Dealing with flashbacks

Norman_Conquest said:
I have added a link below to a shorter version of the five stages of grief that is worth reading if anyone is going through the grieving process. There are also other links for support from the link.

Please give me a shout if you need any more support.

www.verywellmind.com

What to Know About the Five Stages of Grief

If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, you may be going through one of the five stages of grief. Learn how to cope and how to offer your support to others.
www.verywellmind.com www.verywellmind.com
Click to expand...
Thanks Norm, if it doesn't clear I might well take you up on that. I'm usually a pretty resilient guy with many things, even related to death. I think the shock and direct involvement in the moment has made it worse.
 
coluka said:
It is hard to begin the grieving process or in time have closure as you naturally have unanswered questions. Losing a pet is losing a loved family member in my and most peoples experience and all I can say is try to take comfort in the fact your bond was so strong because you provided quality of life for him in his short life, showed him so much love and that in time if you can focus on your happy memories, they will eventually be the way you and your partner come through this very difficult time. Take care.
Click to expand...
❤️
 
Doesn’t sound silly at all. Cried like a baby when my dog died. Only time I had done so since my Nanna died in 1987.
I remember hearing my Mam on the phone when my Grandad phone hear, she made this weird shrieking noise then broke down, harrowing.
Mind, the selfish cookers still sent me to school the next day because ‘they had too much to think about’ still appalled now, especially as I’m a parent now myself.
 
Big_Nothing said:
This might sound a little silly to some of the less cat friendly members of the board, I know a few people on here can't stand them but c'est la vie.

However, last week my partner and I's cat died. I had a pretty strong bond with the cat, he followed me everywhere at our place, slept next to me, even copying me sometimes and provided comfort to me during tough times (was very good at realising when people were upset, almost seemed like he was a therapy cat). Generally I just loved the little guy to pieces.

He was only four years old and in the night he had started purring loudly and kneading on my back, this woke my girlfriend up and she pushed him away from me thinking he would disturb me in the early hours.

The next thing I know she's shouting at me to turn on the light and help her. I was barely awake and had no idea what was going on (heavy sleeper) and when I turned the light on it became clear the cat was struggling quite badly. We still don't know what happened but it seemed like he was choking, he was making unusual and unsettling sounds and in severe discomfort.

I tried to clear his airways but they were already clear and I could feel him shaking quite hard, I tried calming him but he looked at me like he was petrified, huge blue eyes and eventually I was giving him attempted CPR as his heart stopped. The whole time my girlfriend was screaming and panicking, begging me to save him and for him to be okay.

She's had him since a kitten and absolutely worships the ground he walks on, he was there for her during her divorce and playing with him is the highlight of her day.

We rushed him to an emergency vet who said they couldn't do anything and he was already passed.

The issue is, I've been having recurrent flashbacks in my dreams and throughout the day when my mind wanders of him struggling and my partner screaming and crying. I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to save him and I miss him dearly, our place feels empty without him.

I'm not saying it's PTSD or trying to be dramatic, apologies if it seems so. I just wondered if anyone had gone through something similarly distressing and had similar reactions or advice in how to process it?

Cheers all, hard to write this but conversations with friends have mostly just been condolences and a lack of a F about cats given.
Click to expand...
First of all I would say don’t apologise for your feelings. The situation you describe sounds very dramatic.. your probably putting it lightly also describing PTSD Is also valid.. you are suffering ‘post traumatic stress’. Just as you will be feeling guilt for not being able to save him so to must your girlfriend for pushing him, what ever happened does not sound like a normal reaction to being shoo’d away or pushed out of the way. There’s nothing more you could have done by the sounds of it, accepting that neither of you were at fault or to blame for your cat passing would be part of the process.
 
Sorry to hear about your loss Big Nothing.

A few years ago, one my friends cat had an episode where it passed away in similar circumstances. Awful experience for them and caused huge distress.

I also have a cat myself and as much as he’s an absolute pain in the ar5e at times, I can’t imagine the feelings and pain it would cause if/when he were to go - especially in those circumstances.

We all get hugely close to our pets so there’s no need to apologise or feel daft for the way you feel. If you didn’t feel that amount of compassion and love for a pet, that in itself would be weird.

Hope things improve sooner rather than later.
 
Really, truly sorry for your loss BN, over the years we as in my parents and my brothers had numerous dogs (not cats bu no difference in my eyes) and when we lost one we were mortified. One in particular just loved to be with me - playing football, running, cycling and generally training, he'd even mimic me sometimes and when he went it was sudden and just felt so cold as he passed in the night so no chance of goodbyes. I was still grieving over him a year later when we got another dog but that bond I'd had never materialised - not that I'd expected it to but it was different.

Our animal friends have their own personality and traits and we love them regardless and they love us unconditionally. I'd echo to remember the good times, the personality and that you gave him a loving home and friendship that has clearly affected you and your partner deeply. No shame mate - they are family.
 
swordtrombonefish said:
Really, truly sorry for your loss BN, over the years we as in my parents and my brothers had numerous dogs (not cats bu no difference in my eyes) and when we lost one we were mortified. One in particular just loved to be with me - playing football, running, cycling and generally training, he'd even mimic me sometimes and when he went it was sudden and just felt so cold as he passed in the night so no chance of goodbyes. I was still grieving over him a year later when we got another dog but that bond I'd had never materialised - not that I'd expected it to but it was different.

Our animal friends have their own personality and traits and we love them regardless and they love us unconditionally. I'd echo to remember the good times, the personality and that you gave him a loving home and friendship that has clearly affected you and your partner deeply. No shame mate - they are family.
Click to expand...
The bond we made and the thought that it's not something easily replicated, the lack of warning, the fact we talked about trying to find a new place next year where he can wander outside a little. Not knowing what happened.

Woke up today and seeing the responses again has definitely snapped me out of the morning fog more quickly than in recent days.

Cheers all, have a lovely Friday, I'll clink a few glasses to fmttm friends tonight (y)
 
Our bengal of 18 years died last march and it was quite traumatic. He had spent 3 years fighting saddle thrombosis and had to learn how to walk 4-5 times, each time he fought back but we had to help him use the litter tray for a week or two.

The last time I knew was different and I knew as strong as he has been, he wouldn't be fighting back from this one - he had done so well as usually vets tell you to euthanise as no coming back from one let alone the amount he had, but he always got to live his best life.

We arranged for the vet to come but they couldn't come til 5pm and he passed away about 3pm, pretty much how you described, it was very traumatic, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. After 18 years with him, I miss him every day. We still have his sister and she is 19 in July and we have two young bengal boys, just gone 1, but I've got a huge gap in my heart from where he was always by my side.

Time does heal, but I would say get a memorial for you to both look on to remind you of him. We got a bronze sculpture off this guy and it sits in our garden where he used to love to sit in the sun

Bronze Cat Sculptures Archives - Peter Close Sculpture

Welcome to sculptor and cat artist Peter Close’s online cat gallery featuring his unique bronze cat sculptures. Limited Edition Bronze Cats After some twenty years specializing in the subject Peter Close can rightly claim to be the country’s foremost sculptor of cats. Bought by cat art lovers...
www.peterclose.com www.peterclose.com

This picture gets me every time, it's how he and his sister used to sit and the day it came i out it there and she came and sat next to it, I was bawling.

838A7606-1155-400F-9837-28299597D549.jpeg


9C3E2EE8-C052-4005-AD38-8F3EB0BEFE89.jpeg


Very good quality, heavy, not far off life size- been in the garden a year and still looks new.

The first pic I got of him from the breeder
A3230952-C36A-47F5-A8D9-FCA1E5F859BE.jpeg

Him in his prime, probably 3-5 years old
0BEED0DD-E5B9-40BD-AC9D-D5C4C8CB2C2E.jpeg

His 18th birthday. Not bad looking for his age and health conditions!
673BC0B3-2844-455B-B476-150D470FFD17.jpeg

So yeah. Look back in all the good stuff and you'll find it easier 👌🏻
 
Not ready to look back yet. Out of sight, out of mind for now. We both can't talk about him without blubbing.

I can't help it though, thinking about him at least. Still close the door so carefully to make sure he doesn't get himself out and panic..

Time is what will help most. He has a little shrine at home for now.

I have a cat at home in England I've had since I was younger who's 21. This has definitely made me press the button on summer tickets home. Need to see her as she's quite the age now and this has made me realise I've taken that for granted.
 
I'm not a vet but it sounds like hypertrophic cardiomyopathy - heart disease and there would have been nothing you could do about it and your partner did no harm in her reaction.

What you are experiencing is quite normal and will improve with time. The shrine is a good idea and you are right that time will make it less painful and become more happy memories that you both had with him.

My main coon got out and was killed by a car. I pass the spot every day after going for my paper and as I pass the spot I say 'Morning George'. He's gone but lives fondly in my memory.
 
Big_Nothing said:
Thanks Norm, if it doesn't clear I might well take you up on that. I'm usually a pretty resilient guy with many things, even related to death. I think the shock and direct involvement in the moment has made it worse.
Click to expand...
Being upset about the loss of a loved family member doesn't make you any less resilient. Dealing with the truama too, actually being a part of it happening will makes things so much worse for you.

And I think you've got it. The only real thing that can heal this is time, and even then not completely. As others have said more succinctly though, the memories of him passing are still raw but over time they'll fade into the memories of the joy and comfort he brought. It would be nice to say there's a better way of dealing with PTSD but I don't think there is. This is definitely a good step though, talking about it will always help
 
Sorry to hear about the passing of your cat. I have always had cats and they truly are part of the family. You went through a pretty traumatic event that was a shock to you. I have had PTSD through incidents at work in the past. The flashbacks are normal. I found after a couple of weeks it settled down. I just told myself it was my brains way of trying to process what I was going through. After some time the fond memories you have will take over and hopefully you will have a smile when you think back.
 
Cheers Millbrook. I took her to a cat cafe today as I felt it would be cathartic for both of us. It was.

We also tracked down the kids of her cat and they’re within a few km of where we live and their owner has been very open to my partner meeting them.

This might seem odd to some I guess but it seems to help my partner and I’m also keen.

Our cleaner mocked the shrine for him and laughed at it in front of me and my partner and I flipped out a bit but I think we’re past the anger stage.

Thanks for checking in. Still very humbled by the kindness in the replies.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top