Dad Jokes - all welcome!

After a bitter divorce. the husband spots his ex-wives new guy at a party.

He ambles up, and sneers "well, what's it like using second hand goods?".

The new guy says "oh it's not too bad. After the first two inches it's all unused anyway".
 
It’s Friday and it’s 33 degrees. And the council estates are lively. The paddling pools have appeared from absolutely nowhere. Every front garden has one that’s 80% duct tape and 20% hope. There’s at least six kids in it, one XL bully, and someone’s uncle cooling his Stella cans in the same water. The shirtless blokes have emerged like they’re migrating for summer. White as a packet of Richmond sausages by 9am, bright red by lunchtime, still insisting, “I don’t burn, me.” The smell outside is a fascinating mix of sun cream, Lynx Africa, meat and steak pies, and someone’s wheelie bin that’s been cooking nicely in the heat since Monday. Someone’s bought a £12 fan from B&M and is acting like they’ve installed full air conditioning unit. Meanwhile someone’s nan is sat in the conservatory wearing a cardigan saying, “It’s not that warm.” The local Facebook group’s in meltdown. Half the posts are “Who’s dog is this?” The other half are people moaning about kids playing outside. “Can they not scream?” Karen, it’s the first sunny Friday we’ve had in about eight months. They’re feral now. Accept it. Meanwhile some fellas washing his Corsa with Fairy Liquid while blasting uk garage enough for three postcodes to enjoy. By tonight there’ll be at least two blokes arguing over whose turn it is to buy more packet, someones kid will have lost a set of teeth, and an air ambulance will probably be landing because Dave thought it’d be a good idea to do a backflip off the shed roof into two feet of water.
 
swordtrombonefish said:
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NorthumberlandBoro said:
It’s Friday and it’s 33 degrees. And the council estates are lively. The paddling pools have appeared from absolutely nowhere. Every front garden has one that’s 80% duct tape and 20% hope. There’s at least six kids in it, one XL bully, and someone’s uncle cooling his Stella cans in the same water. The shirtless blokes have emerged like they’re migrating for summer. White as a packet of Richmond sausages by 9am, bright red by lunchtime, still insisting, “I don’t burn, me.” The smell outside is a fascinating mix of sun cream, Lynx Africa, meat and steak pies, and someone’s wheelie bin that’s been cooking nicely in the heat since Monday. Someone’s bought a £12 fan from B&M and is acting like they’ve installed full air conditioning unit. Meanwhile someone’s nan is sat in the conservatory wearing a cardigan saying, “It’s not that warm.” The local Facebook group’s in meltdown. Half the posts are “Who’s dog is this?” The other half are people moaning about kids playing outside. “Can they not scream?” Karen, it’s the first sunny Friday we’ve had in about eight months. They’re feral now. Accept it. Meanwhile some fellas washing his Corsa with Fairy Liquid while blasting uk garage enough for three postcodes to enjoy. By tonight there’ll be at least two blokes arguing over whose turn it is to buy more packet, someones kid will have lost a set of teeth, and an air ambulance will probably be landing because Dave thought it’d be a good idea to do a backflip off the shed roof into two feet of water.
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Brilliant!
 
NorthumberlandBoro said:
It’s Friday and it’s 33 degrees. And the council estates are lively. The paddling pools have appeared from absolutely nowhere. Every front garden has one that’s 80% duct tape and 20% hope. There’s at least six kids in it, one XL bully, and someone’s uncle cooling his Stella cans in the same water. The shirtless blokes have emerged like they’re migrating for summer. White as a packet of Richmond sausages by 9am, bright red by lunchtime, still insisting, “I don’t burn, me.” The smell outside is a fascinating mix of sun cream, Lynx Africa, meat and steak pies, and someone’s wheelie bin that’s been cooking nicely in the heat since Monday. Someone’s bought a £12 fan from B&M and is acting like they’ve installed full air conditioning unit. Meanwhile someone’s nan is sat in the conservatory wearing a cardigan saying, “It’s not that warm.” The local Facebook group’s in meltdown. Half the posts are “Who’s dog is this?” The other half are people moaning about kids playing outside. “Can they not scream?” Karen, it’s the first sunny Friday we’ve had in about eight months. They’re feral now. Accept it. Meanwhile some fellas washing his Corsa with Fairy Liquid while blasting uk garage enough for three postcodes to enjoy. By tonight there’ll be at least two blokes arguing over whose turn it is to buy more packet, someones kid will have lost a set of teeth, and an air ambulance will probably be landing because Dave thought it’d be a good idea to do a backflip off the shed roof into two feet of water.
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So that’s were you live is it ?
 
Sign above a bar says "Achieve Three Tasks - win a million pounds".

Intrigued, a guy goes in.

"Go on, what are the tasks? "

Bartender says: "Number one, see that bloke over there?" He points at a six foot five muscle man. "Well, he's obnoxious, but he comes in every day and we can't get rid of him. Give him a beating that will make him never come in again".

"Task two. There's a rottweiler out back. Huge it is. It's got an abscessed tooth. Take it out".

"Task three. There's a little old lady who lives in the upstairs flat. She's 85 and hasn't had a shag for forty years. Go up and satisfy her".

The guy thinks it over. "OK, give me three vodkas, and I'll do it".

He downs the vodkas straight away. Drawing himself up to his full height, he walks over to the muscle man, and with one enormous punch sends him flying off his barstool. The muscle man is unconscious.

Pushing up his sleeves, he goes into the back yard. There's terrible sounds of barking, barrels being knocked over, bottles breaking, shouting and wails of agony.

The guy walks back in, his clothes in tatters. "Right then, where's the old lady with the abscessed tooth?"
 
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat..
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
 
Millbrook said:
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat..
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
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Jokes on you. Only took me 37 seconds. Checkmate.
 
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