Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Carlos Fandango

Well-known member
A Farmer went out in the snow one morning, to tend to his cows and found them all frozen.
A woman was passing by, she breathed on them and each one defrosted. The farmer said to her, “Are you an Angel sent from heaven?”

“No”, said the woman, “I’m Thora Hird!”


Active member
I couldn't find my ice scraper this morning to clear my windscreen so had to use my Argos discount card, it only got 10% off.


Well-known member
I paid a bloke £5000 for a talking centipede. When I got it home I opened the box and said “Do you fancy going to the pub for a pint”. It didn’t answer. So I asked it again. Still no answer. Now I’m thinking "I’ve been done". So I ask , loudly, one last time “Do you fancy going to the pub for a pint ?”.
The centipede looks up and says “I heard you the first time. I’m putting my fcuking shoes on”


Well-known member
The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves te needle.

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."