Dad Jokes - all welcome!

FatCat

Well-known member
My daughter just said her new vegan boyfriend is taking her out tomorrow. I said I would drive them both but he said I avacado!
 

festa5

Well-known member
Man goes to see the nurse.

She says "what can I help you with?"

He says "I need to take my pants off to show you but you have to promise not to laugh"

"I'm a professional, I can assure I won't laugh" she replies.

He takes off his pants to reveal the smallest penis she's ever seen. It's the size of a bookie's pencil.

The nurse spends 10 minutes laughing her head off and eventually pulls herself together.

"I'm really sorry about that" she says "I promise you on my word as a nurse and a woman I won't laugh again. Now what seems to be the problem?".

The man replies......"it's swollen".
 

FatCat

Well-known member
Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a hospital. As always, he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.
Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said, "I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll?" "Good question", noted the ward manager, "we save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible." "Oh" he said somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes", replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her, "we ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs". Hancock was determined to fluster the ward manager. So on they went to the next ward. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too we do not like wasting", said the manager.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this exact time, they send us a complete pr*ck". 🤣
 

Lefty

Well-known member
I don't know why people are surprised at the latest Tiger Woods news, he had a car crash only last November at Augusta. A 10 at a par 3 ffs!
 

Muttley

Well-known member
My grandad recently sat behind U2 at an awards ceremony. He was really enjoying it until he sneezed but then his teeth were on edge for the rest of the evening.
 
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