Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
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Norfolkred1
Well-known member
England v Denmark on Wed, I've not been this nervous about a semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain!!!!
swordtrombonefish
Well-known member
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chopper and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so ***ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chopper and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so ***ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
I know it's a long shot, but does anyone have a trebuchet I can borrow?
Jollyroger
Active member
Geordie reads about jobs in a casino as a croupier in the Chronicle. When he gets the interview he’s ask what card games he knows. He sits and thinks for a while then blurts out “ ice hockey “! The interviewer says that ice hockey is not a card game! Geordie replies “it’s the cardest game ah naa mate !!!” .
swordtrombonefish
Well-known member
As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice "Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her down to her underwear, take off my pants and gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn't wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.... Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his dad's advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said. Jack went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
"What's the point of this? I can't get into your panties," said Jack.
"Exactly," Jill replied, "and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn't wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.... Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his dad's advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said. Jack went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
"What's the point of this? I can't get into your panties," said Jack.
"Exactly," Jill replied, "and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
A bloke lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the bloke, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The lad groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The lad just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," he moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the bloke, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The lad groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The lad just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," he moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."
swordtrombonefish
Well-known member
Was banging this hot milf on her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening
"It's my husband", she said "quick, use the backdoor"
I guess I really should have run, but how often do you get an offer like that?
"It's my husband", she said "quick, use the backdoor"
I guess I really should have run, but how often do you get an offer like that?
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swordtrombonefish
Well-known member
A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
"Forgive me father for I have sinned".
"What have you done?" asked the priest.
"A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her". The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
"Well don't cry, it's a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven". Said the priest.
"But it doesn't end there the man kept sobbing. "a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady" the man cried.
"Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven" Said the priest.
"Oh I'm afraid the worst part is still ahead" cried the man. "Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well" the man cried.
"Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought" said the priest.
"So what should I do father?" the man asked.
"Well" answered the priest, "you should get the f**k out of here before it starts raining!".
"Forgive me father for I have sinned".
"What have you done?" asked the priest.
"A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her". The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
"Well don't cry, it's a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven". Said the priest.
"But it doesn't end there the man kept sobbing. "a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady" the man cried.
"Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven" Said the priest.
"Oh I'm afraid the worst part is still ahead" cried the man. "Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well" the man cried.
"Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought" said the priest.
"So what should I do father?" the man asked.
"Well" answered the priest, "you should get the f**k out of here before it starts raining!".
swordtrombonefish
Well-known member
A reporter went to a small village and asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a happy story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".
The reporter looks astonished and says "My friend I can't mail in a story like that, why don't you tell me another happy story?"
The villager says "Oh ok, well one time the wife of a neighbor got lost, we all got together to look for her and we found her. We all celebrated and drank and then everyone had sex with her."
The reporter then says "My god, well then tell me a sad story!
The villager, saddened, looks to the ground and replies, "Well one time I got lost..."
The reporter looks astonished and says "My friend I can't mail in a story like that, why don't you tell me another happy story?"
The villager says "Oh ok, well one time the wife of a neighbor got lost, we all got together to look for her and we found her. We all celebrated and drank and then everyone had sex with her."
The reporter then says "My god, well then tell me a sad story!
The villager, saddened, looks to the ground and replies, "Well one time I got lost..."
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
Billy Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today...I'm sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick."
The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?"
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex."
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?"
Billy Bob replies, "Yeah, I told you I was sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick."
The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?"
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex."
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?"
Billy Bob replies, "Yeah, I told you I was sick."
swordtrombonefish
Well-known member
I was considered quite the comedian at work, especially at meetings when my quips and jokes made everyone laugh. It all changed though with Covid when all our meetings were online. I’d still make jokes but no-one would laugh…not a one!
At first I thought perhaps I was muted, but it turns out they didn’t find me remotely funny.
At first I thought perhaps I was muted, but it turns out they didn’t find me remotely funny.
HarryVegas
Well-known member
My Grandad fought hard in WWII, and he'd be really proud of what the Tory Party have done to Britain.
Mind you, he was in the SS.
Mind you, he was in the SS.