A young lady, wearing only black gloves and socks, was stopped going into a nightclub by the doorman.
She was told it was a private fancy dress party that night.
She said she new and was in fancy dress.The doorman said you’re in fancy dress?
Yes she said. I’ve come as the 5 of spades!
Paddy and Mick were flying to Benidorm. The Captain comes on the tannoy. “This is the Captain speaking. We are experiencing problems with our outer starboard engine so have switched it off? There is no alarm, we have another three engines but it means we will be half an hour late into Alicante”. “Great”, says Paddy to Mick. A bit later the Captain comes on the tannoy again. “ Well, this is unusual, we are now experiencing problems with our outer port side engine and have switched that one off. As I mentioned before, we still have another two engines but, unfortunately, we will now be an hour late into Alicante”. “Jesus, did you hear that? Now an hour late. Terrible, terrible”. The Captain comes on again. “In all my years of flying I have never known this but the inner starboard engine has had to be switched off. We still have one engine but we will now be two hours late into Alicante”. Paddy turns to Mick “Bloody hell, this is ridiculous. If we lose any more engines we’ll be up here all day”.
It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets of the tribe. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man at the weather service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting a ******** of firewood!”
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”
I got a phone call from my doctor this morning to tell me he had some bad news and even worse news. I said, don't sugar coat it give it to me straight, what's the bad news. The doc says you only have 24 hours to live. I said jeez what's the really bad news. The doctor said, I was supposed to call you yesterday.
Just remembered this true story, this is as good a place as any to share.
Hartlepool pipe mill canteen around 1990 (rough as chuff) Jeff M, a right joker looks at the handwritten daily menu on the counter and says “I’ll have the pïssoles and chips please”
the growler behind the counter scowls at him, picks up the menu looks at it, slams it back down and says “ it’s not a ‘P’ it’s an ‘R’
Jeff replies, as quick as a flash “ ok then I’ll have the ‘R’soles and chips“
I think we had to go out for sandwiches for a few days after that