Dad Jokes - all welcome!

I haven tv heard this for a while - the type of joke I’d expect to hear from my dad or uncle.....

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
Eight things to ponder as 2020 draws to a close.

1. The dumbest thing I bought this year was a 2020 planner

2. 2019 Stay away from negative people. 2020 Stay away from positive people

3. The world has turned upside down. Old people are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.

4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came to my house and told the dog.....we had a good laugh

5. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

6. I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a 6-foot barge pole” would become a national policy but here we are!

7. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the garden.
I am tired of the living room

8. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank clerk with a mask on and ask for money.
 
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