Dad Jokes - all welcome!

For Christmas I bought my wife some new beads for her abacus - it's the little things that count

I ahd to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn - he just didn't cut it
 
A Farmer went out in the snow one morning, to tend to his cows and found them all frozen.
A woman was passing by, she breathed on them and each one defrosted. The farmer said to her, “Are you an Angel sent from heaven?”

“No”, said the woman, “I’m Thora Hird!”
 
I couldn't find my ice scraper this morning to clear my windscreen so had to use my Argos discount card, it only got 10% off.
 
I paid a bloke £5000 for a talking centipede. When I got it home I opened the box and said “Do you fancy going to the pub for a pint”. It didn’t answer. So I asked it again. Still no answer. Now I’m thinking "I’ve been done". So I ask , loudly, one last time “Do you fancy going to the pub for a pint ?”.
The centipede looks up and says “I heard you the first time. I’m putting my fcuking shoes on”
 
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