Dealing with flashbacks

Big_Nothing

Well-known member
This might sound a little silly to some of the less cat friendly members of the board, I know a few people on here can't stand them but c'est la vie.

However, last week my partner and I's cat died. I had a pretty strong bond with the cat, he followed me everywhere at our place, slept next to me, even copying me sometimes and provided comfort to me during tough times (was very good at realising when people were upset, almost seemed like he was a therapy cat). Generally I just loved the little guy to pieces.

He was only four years old and in the night he had started purring loudly and kneading on my back, this woke my girlfriend up and she pushed him away from me thinking he would disturb me in the early hours.

The next thing I know she's shouting at me to turn on the light and help her. I was barely awake and had no idea what was going on (heavy sleeper) and when I turned the light on it became clear the cat was struggling quite badly. We still don't know what happened but it seemed like he was choking, he was making unusual and unsettling sounds and in severe discomfort.

I tried to clear his airways but they were already clear and I could feel him shaking quite hard, I tried calming him but he looked at me like he was petrified, huge blue eyes and eventually I was giving him attempted CPR as his heart stopped. The whole time my girlfriend was screaming and panicking, begging me to save him and for him to be okay.

She's had him since a kitten and absolutely worships the ground he walks on, he was there for her during her divorce and playing with him is the highlight of her day.

We rushed him to an emergency vet who said they couldn't do anything and he was already passed.

The issue is, I've been having recurrent flashbacks in my dreams and throughout the day when my mind wanders of him struggling and my partner screaming and crying. I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to save him and I miss him dearly, our place feels empty without him.

I'm not saying it's PTSD or trying to be dramatic, apologies if it seems so. I just wondered if anyone had gone through something similarly distressing and had similar reactions or advice in how to process it?

Cheers all, hard to write this but conversations with friends have mostly just been condolences and a lack of a F about cats given.
 
Doesn't sound silly at all BN. I think any pet owner would get how traumatic your experience sounds. It's worst nightmare stuff.

I'm sorry that's happened. Don't really have any advice to offer but I guess in time you'll think of that horrid night less and your good memories of your cat more.
 
Couldn't stop holding him even after he'd gone, was still warm. His eyes stayed closed. Just like he was sleeping.

5 kilos, a big cat. Handsome b***r. So much personality and no signs of anything wrong with him at all. Seemed healthy and happy. Still can't get my head around it.
 
This might sound a little silly to some of the less cat friendly members of the board, I know a few people on here can't stand them but c'est la vie.

However, last week my partner and I's cat died. I had a pretty strong bond with the cat, he followed me everywhere at our place, slept next to me, even copying me sometimes and provided comfort to me during tough times (was very good at realising when people were upset, almost seemed like he was a therapy cat). Generally I just loved the little guy to pieces.

He was only four years old and in the night he had started purring loudly and kneading on my back, this woke my girlfriend up and she pushed him away from me thinking he would disturb me in the early hours.

The next thing I know she's shouting at me to turn on the light and help her. I was barely awake and had no idea what was going on (heavy sleeper) and when I turned the light on it became clear the cat was struggling quite badly. We still don't know what happened but it seemed like he was choking, he was making unusual and unsettling sounds and in severe discomfort.

I tried to clear his airways but they were already clear and I could feel him shaking quite hard, I tried calming him but he looked at me like he was petrified, huge blue eyes and eventually I was giving him attempted CPR as his heart stopped. The whole time my girlfriend was screaming and panicking, begging me to save him and for him to be okay.

She's had him since a kitten and absolutely worships the ground he walks on, he was there for her during her divorce and playing with him is the highlight of her day.

We rushed him to an emergency vet who said they couldn't do anything and he was already passed.

The issue is, I've been having recurrent flashbacks in my dreams and throughout the day when my mind wanders of him struggling and my partner screaming and crying. I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to save him and I miss him dearly, our place feels empty without him.

I'm not saying it's PTSD or trying to be dramatic, apologies if it seems so. I just wondered if anyone had gone through something similarly distressing and had similar reactions or advice in how to process it?

Cheers all, hard to write this but conversations with friends have mostly just been condolences and a lack of a F about cats given.
I really feel for you mate. I've never owned a cat as I've always had dogs but i do like them. I can imagine that bond you had is the same as you have with any pet. They become a huge part of your life and when they pass it really is devastating especially when it's in tragic circumstances as in your case.

What I would say is you need to take comfort in the fact that for the last 4 years yourself/partner have given your cat a brilliant life and that is reflected in the bond you had with him. You did all you could to help him. At the end of the day, you're not a Veterinary professional, so you shouldn't feel any guilt and who's to say they would have even been able to save him?

The flashbacks are understandable as it's been a traumatic event but trust me you couldn't have done anymore. Take care mate and sorry to you and your partner for your sad loss. Try and reflect on the brilliant memories you had with him so that your lasting memory of him isn't his final moments as like I say, you did all you could.
 
She had to work the next day, the airline wouldn't give her the day off. She was adamant he was buried so I bought a spade and was trying to find somewhere in this concrete jungle I could think of to give him a send off. Thankfully she text me saying she would be happy for him to be cremated as long as his ashes are kept with other cats.

She's very spiritual and in her culture it's important. I think it's given her some peace but she blames herself for pushing him away from me. I hate not being able to fix things and wonder if I could've done anything differently. I never expected someone/thing I love to die so horribly in my arms.
 
Very sad, we do build a huge bond with our pets - I've got cats but had dogs too.

Given how close we get to them it's always going to be traumatic when they pass, even more so given your circumstances.

But I always think that the heartbeak and sadness you feel when they leave us is because you had such a special bond.

Like any loss it will get easier and maybe not yet but eventually I expect you'll find comfort in sharing your home with another pet.
 
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It is hard to begin the grieving process or in time have closure as you naturally have unanswered questions. Losing a pet is losing a loved family member in my and most peoples experience and all I can say is try to take comfort in the fact your bond was so strong because you provided quality of life for him in his short life, showed him so much love and that in time if you can focus on your happy memories, they will eventually be the way you and your partner come through this very difficult time. Take care.
 
Not silly at all and definitely not dramatic. I'm sorry you had to.go through that. It is traumatic and you need time to process and grieve. They're part of the family the little beggers. My sympathies and condolences to you and your partner, really sorry for your loss. 😢.
 
Not silly at all, My Dad was in mourning for weeks, maybe months when our dog died and I just couldnt understand it all but now having been a dog owner myself for a number of years I can totally understand why my Dad suffered so much. They are a massive part of the family and one who is never in a bad mood or wants an argument! We have a baby now which makes things hard with the dog but I still couldnt imagine him not being around and dread the day when it happens. I dont think I will be getting another dog for a while once it happens though, although I know the place will feel empty.
 
As a cat owner many times over now ( 7 over the years) it is always traumatic to lose your friend, member of the family and focus of comfort. We lost our bengal in the middle of lockdown and that was a massive blow given how much he was helping in those turbulent times. Losing a cat so young is deeply distressing though and understand your pain and recall. Sadly many cats know they are leaving this world and go out and simply find a tree or bush to lie under and pass. In your case it happened before your eyes and that has not been our misfortune to experience. We have either taken ours to the vet for putting to sleep or they have not returned because they have found that tree or bush.

Important to remember the good times with him and in time the pain of losing him will fade. Haver you thought about getting another?
 
No dramatic or silly or anything. That would be traumatic for anyone I'd imagine, having this living breathing thing - never mind a family pet, that you love - without going into detail but during that 'time', staring up at you etc, it would be horrendous. I'm not a cat person, nor do i have any pets or anything but if it was a stray off the street and i went through that i think it would affect me for a while. It'll take some getting over, no doubt and talking to people even if its just on here will help i imagine.
 
This might sound a little silly to some of the less cat friendly members of the board, I know a few people on here can't stand them but c'est la vie.

However, last week my partner and I's cat died. I had a pretty strong bond with the cat, he followed me everywhere at our place, slept next to me, even copying me sometimes and provided comfort to me during tough times (was very good at realising when people were upset, almost seemed like he was a therapy cat). Generally I just loved the little guy to pieces.

He was only four years old and in the night he had started purring loudly and kneading on my back, this woke my girlfriend up and she pushed him away from me thinking he would disturb me in the early hours.

The next thing I know she's shouting at me to turn on the light and help her. I was barely awake and had no idea what was going on (heavy sleeper) and when I turned the light on it became clear the cat was struggling quite badly. We still don't know what happened but it seemed like he was choking, he was making unusual and unsettling sounds and in severe discomfort.

I tried to clear his airways but they were already clear and I could feel him shaking quite hard, I tried calming him but he looked at me like he was petrified, huge blue eyes and eventually I was giving him attempted CPR as his heart stopped. The whole time my girlfriend was screaming and panicking, begging me to save him and for him to be okay.

She's had him since a kitten and absolutely worships the ground he walks on, he was there for her during her divorce and playing with him is the highlight of her day.

We rushed him to an emergency vet who said they couldn't do anything and he was already passed.

The issue is, I've been having recurrent flashbacks in my dreams and throughout the day when my mind wanders of him struggling and my partner screaming and crying. I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to save him and I miss him dearly, our place feels empty without him.

I'm not saying it's PTSD or trying to be dramatic, apologies if it seems so. I just wondered if anyone had gone through something similarly distressing and had similar reactions or advice in how to process it?

Cheers all, hard to write this but conversations with friends have mostly just been condolences and a lack of a F about cats given.
People should never lose sight of how close we get to our pets and losing one is like losing a member of the family.

I worked as a bereavement counsellor at Teesside Hospice and immediately recognised that you have started the grieving process for the cat, with the first two stages of grief being denial and anger.

Coluka gives you some great advice on remembering the good times and I would echo that sentiment. I would even suggest creating a picture board of him and putting it next to the fridge. The way I described grief to the young people I supported was it is like a big box we carry about with us and our box can feel heavy and hard to cope with. It is ok to put the box down at times and enjoy ourselves and then pick the box back up. Over time the box gets smaller and smaller and can fit into our pocket but it doesn't mean we think less of the one we've lost, we are just coming to terms with dealing with our grief.

I have added a children's story that I have used with adults who are grieving and with young people, and I do think it helps. Take care of both of you and remember, grief is a natural process that we all have to go through.




Waterbugs and Dragonflies

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

'Look!' said one of the water bugs to another, 'One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?' Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. 'That's funny!' said one water bug to another. 'Wasn't she happy here?' asked a second water bug. 'Were do you suppose she went?' wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, the leader of the colony, gathered its friends together. 'I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where she went and why.' 'We promise', they said solemnly. One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk; Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and had fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings.

The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!. There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered his promise: 'The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why'.

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly he could no longer go into the water. 'I can't return!'he said in dismay. 'At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went'. And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.



 
I have added a link below to a shorter version of the five stages of grief that is worth reading if anyone is going through the grieving process. There are also other links for support from the link.

Please give me a shout if you need any more support.

 
I'm really sorry to hear this. I know that won't be any consolation right now, but from someone who has had cats over the years, I can assure you that time does help to ease your grief.

You should take consolation from knowing that you provided a loving and caring home for your cat, and that his life was exactly as he wanted it to be.
 
This might sound a little silly to some of the less cat friendly members of the board, I know a few people on here can't stand them but c'est la vie.

However, last week my partner and I's cat died. I had a pretty strong bond with the cat, he followed me everywhere at our place, slept next to me, even copying me sometimes and provided comfort to me during tough times (was very good at realising when people were upset, almost seemed like he was a therapy cat). Generally I just loved the little guy to pieces.

He was only four years old and in the night he had started purring loudly and kneading on my back, this woke my girlfriend up and she pushed him away from me thinking he would disturb me in the early hours.

The next thing I know she's shouting at me to turn on the light and help her. I was barely awake and had no idea what was going on (heavy sleeper) and when I turned the light on it became clear the cat was struggling quite badly. We still don't know what happened but it seemed like he was choking, he was making unusual and unsettling sounds and in severe discomfort.

I tried to clear his airways but they were already clear and I could feel him shaking quite hard, I tried calming him but he looked at me like he was petrified, huge blue eyes and eventually I was giving him attempted CPR as his heart stopped. The whole time my girlfriend was screaming and panicking, begging me to save him and for him to be okay.

She's had him since a kitten and absolutely worships the ground he walks on, he was there for her during her divorce and playing with him is the highlight of her day.

We rushed him to an emergency vet who said they couldn't do anything and he was already passed.

The issue is, I've been having recurrent flashbacks in my dreams and throughout the day when my mind wanders of him struggling and my partner screaming and crying. I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to save him and I miss him dearly, our place feels empty without him.

I'm not saying it's PTSD or trying to be dramatic, apologies if it seems so. I just wondered if anyone had gone through something similarly distressing and had similar reactions or advice in how to process it?

Cheers all, hard to write this but conversations with friends have mostly just been condolences and a lack of a F about cats given.
This is so tough to hear. I'm a cat owner and have always had cats. It's never easy when you lose them, but this sounds like a particularly terrible way for it to happen. I really feel your pain. From experience I know the bad memories will never go away, but they do diminish and it gets easier. I always try to focus on the good memories and they evenbtually take over the bad.
One thing I've done in the past is had the vet keep a small amount of my cats hair which is put inside one of the cats favourite toys. I then used to hold the toy knowing the hair was in there when ever I was finding the loss tough. It really seemed to help.
As others have said, feel consoled knowing you both gave the cat a fantastic life, which not all animals get to have.
 
This might sound a little silly to some of the less cat friendly members of the board, I know a few people on here can't stand them but c'est la vie.

However, last week my partner and I's cat died. I had a pretty strong bond with the cat, he followed me everywhere at our place, slept next to me, even copying me sometimes and provided comfort to me during tough times (was very good at realising when people were upset, almost seemed like he was a therapy cat). Generally I just loved the little guy to pieces.

He was only four years old and in the night he had started purring loudly and kneading on my back, this woke my girlfriend up and she pushed him away from me thinking he would disturb me in the early hours.

The next thing I know she's shouting at me to turn on the light and help her. I was barely awake and had no idea what was going on (heavy sleeper) and when I turned the light on it became clear the cat was struggling quite badly. We still don't know what happened but it seemed like he was choking, he was making unusual and unsettling sounds and in severe discomfort.

I tried to clear his airways but they were already clear and I could feel him shaking quite hard, I tried calming him but he looked at me like he was petrified, huge blue eyes and eventually I was giving him attempted CPR as his heart stopped. The whole time my girlfriend was screaming and panicking, begging me to save him and for him to be okay.

She's had him since a kitten and absolutely worships the ground he walks on, he was there for her during her divorce and playing with him is the highlight of her day.

We rushed him to an emergency vet who said they couldn't do anything and he was already passed.

The issue is, I've been having recurrent flashbacks in my dreams and throughout the day when my mind wanders of him struggling and my partner screaming and crying. I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to save him and I miss him dearly, our place feels empty without him.

I'm not saying it's PTSD or trying to be dramatic, apologies if it seems so. I just wondered if anyone had gone through something similarly distressing and had similar reactions or advice in how to process it?

Cheers all, hard to write this but conversations with friends have mostly just been condolences and a lack of a F about cats given.
Sorry for your loss fella.
We took have a cat at home who we've had since he was 4 weeks old. He was around before the kids turned up. He can be a pain in the **** sometimes but he's full of love for us both and the kids, even though our youngest has a habit of pulling his tail and then kicks off when the cat gives him a bat.

I'd hazard a guess and say these flashback dreams will pass in time.
 
My condolences. I have 3 cats at the mo and the most recent loss of one was late 2019 and that was a considered PTS decision but the grief of that loss were still with me 6 months later. I brought him home with the vets but tried 3 or 4 times in 2 days to dig a hole in the garden and each time I got no further than standing over the chosen spot blubbing on the spade handle. I couldn't do it , couldn't even break the ground. I've also had to give my dad unsuccessful CPR , being the only one in the house at the time of his passing . Waiting for that ambulance alone even though my intuition said there's nothing more to be done here, was like a chasm that had opened in the universe and I was right over it. I want to pick up on 1 main thing. You've gone through one of the biggest swings of emotional states that's possible in such a short order of time. You were restful sleeping one moment only to be drawn out of it to a traumatic event in play, not only that but within seconds of gaining a semi wakeful state , you have had to take the lead role in trying to deal with that situation involving a loved one of your household. It's a traumatic event without doubt and your mind is going to want to replay things just for quite a while , maybe weeks , to try and make sense of it. So from my own understanding of how to process these things is , there's not much we can do other than wait it out but know that it is absolutely natural reaction and you've done the best thing which is to open up and release your thoughts about it to others and sometimes we don't get a helpful reaction form others and they seem so insensitive and that always seems harsh when we are just looking for common ground in understanding a situation We can look after ourselves and stay away from other stimulants for a time like alcohol, caffeine etc , but your mind is going to resolve it in it's own time. This very much is determined by your own sensitivities , previous experience and what else you have going on right now. I think you're not much yet into grief as the shock factor is dominant right now. That will quieten though and you'll get to a normal situation of grieving without shock . The second half of the year after Harry was PTS , an absolute character of a Siberian, I was able to print off many of his best pics and put them around the rooms and celebrate how lucky I was to have him .
 
This might sound a little silly to some of the less cat friendly members of the board, I know a few people on here can't stand them but c'est la vie.

However, last week my partner and I's cat died. I had a pretty strong bond with the cat, he followed me everywhere at our place, slept next to me, even copying me sometimes and provided comfort to me during tough times (was very good at realising when people were upset, almost seemed like he was a therapy cat). Generally I just loved the little guy to pieces.

He was only four years old and in the night he had started purring loudly and kneading on my back, this woke my girlfriend up and she pushed him away from me thinking he would disturb me in the early hours.

The next thing I know she's shouting at me to turn on the light and help her. I was barely awake and had no idea what was going on (heavy sleeper) and when I turned the light on it became clear the cat was struggling quite badly. We still don't know what happened but it seemed like he was choking, he was making unusual and unsettling sounds and in severe discomfort.

I tried to clear his airways but they were already clear and I could feel him shaking quite hard, I tried calming him but he looked at me like he was petrified, huge blue eyes and eventually I was giving him attempted CPR as his heart stopped. The whole time my girlfriend was screaming and panicking, begging me to save him and for him to be okay.

She's had him since a kitten and absolutely worships the ground he walks on, he was there for her during her divorce and playing with him is the highlight of her day.

We rushed him to an emergency vet who said they couldn't do anything and he was already passed.

The issue is, I've been having recurrent flashbacks in my dreams and throughout the day when my mind wanders of him struggling and my partner screaming and crying. I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to save him and I miss him dearly, our place feels empty without him.

I'm not saying it's PTSD or trying to be dramatic, apologies if it seems so. I just wondered if anyone had gone through something similarly distressing and had similar reactions or advice in how to process it?

Cheers all, hard to write this but conversations with friends have mostly just been condolences and a lack of a F about cats given.
Sounds awful. Probably could be PTSD to be honest. Hope you can make your peace with it. I have never owned a cat (though I have nowt against them) but that story was heart-breaking to read, you couldn't have done anything though, just one of those things you can't control.
 
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I just want to say thank you to anyone who took the time to read and respond to this. I didn't expect such a sensitive and understanding array of replies. I've shown my partner and explained the basis of what fmttm is and she took great comfort in how warm people have been, even those who by their own admission don't have or care much for cats.

I'd been debating typing something on here for a few days and it came out this morning. I've found both typing it out and reading each and every response incredibly cathartic. It's certainly helped me to normalise some of the worst feelings I had about it.

I suggested keeping some of the little fellas fur but in tradition here it's best that his whole body is with him when he's cremated. So he can pass through entirely to the next life. Not my beliefs but even as an atheist, the pagoda was a soothing place to be and I felt if there is a chance of anything beyond our lived experience that he had the best and most peaceful place to rest.

We have a small shrine to him with a photo and some fruit which we will tend to for the first 49 days.

Heartbreaking to hear and read some people having had similar losses. Especially you Boro_Interlinked, I can't put into words the emotions I feel for you reading that.

Thank you to all of you for the kindness and empathy you've displayed to me and my partner during what is a strange and unsettling experience.

"You should take consolation from knowing that you provided a loving and caring home for your cat, and that his life was exactly as he wanted it to be."

I believe this to be true and I take some solace in the fact that even to his last moments he sought my love. I wouldn't have wanted him to pass anywhere but where he at least knew he was safe.
 
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