Ever wished you were dead?

Cosmonaut

Well-known member
I just need to keep myself occupied. That's why I read so much and watch so many films and walk the dog until he's exhausted. If I have time to think then my brain tells me that I'm pretty much dead already and that it's all just going to get worse as I get older. It isn't pleasant having your own brain hate you as much as mine does. But I can deal with it now. I have to. The suicide attempts were when I was young and stupid. I actually find it pretty funny now when I think about them. One of them in particular. I didn't find it funny at the time though.
Haha, was going to say in your post before that Bumface, well, quote it actually saying your story is very similar to mine. Though mine is still an ongoing daily battle that has nearly got the better of me when I was younger and dafter, as you put it, too

'That's why I read so much and watch so many films and walk the dog until he's exhausted. ' - I pretty much said that to my sister the other day' :ROFLMAO:

But the dog walking/films thing ... we've got a lot it common there. In terms of needing the distraction ... I walk about 100 miles a day with my dog, good job it's him who wants to and demands to do it more than me or I'd have square eyes. He was absolutely on one today, must've dragged me over 5 miles :ROFLMAO:

My mental health state lately has been a combination of suicidal thoughts/voices telling me how pathetic anything I have ever tried to do was, how disgusting/pathetic I am and basically the 'do it!' voice through the night I have gotten used to .. but it doesn't quite come in that form.

I am a burden on my family because of all of my problems so I do think it makes more sense if I do just kill myself, then their lives are easier and sometimes I think they are waiting for me to do it. Those types of thoughts come in the night mostly.

It's mad isn't it how we can all discuss this openly nowadays. But good, as we can all beat it together.
 

bumface

Well-known member
Thanks for sharing mate. When you're brave enough to reach out, you never know who may read and think, "I'm not alone".
I'm not sure that bravery comes in to it Harry. I'm usually brave as f*ck. But my brain still hates me sometimes. It is ridiculous that blokes aren't supposed to talk about their mental health problems with other blokes though. That's why my two best friends are women. I can talk to them. And there's one bloke on here who has been a great help to me over the last year or so. I don't why I can talk to him about that stuff when I can't do it with my other male friends too but for some reason I can. I won't name him. He knows who he is. And if he's reading this. Thanks mate.
 

bumface

Well-known member
Haha, was going to say in your post before that Bumface, well, quote it actually saying your story is very similar to mine. Though mine is still an ongoing daily battle that has nearly got the better of me when I was younger and dafter, as you put it, too

'That's why I read so much and watch so many films and walk the dog until he's exhausted. ' - I pretty much said that to my sister the other day' :ROFLMAO:

But the dog walking/films thing ... we've got a lot it common there. In terms of needing the distraction ... I walk about 100 miles a day with my dog, good job it's him who wants to and demands to do it more than me or I'd have square eyes. He was absolutely on one today, must've dragged me over 5 miles :ROFLMAO:

My mental health state lately has been a combination of suicidal thoughts/voices telling me how pathetic anything I have ever tried to do was, how disgusting/pathetic I am and basically the 'do it!' voice through the night I have gotten used to .. but it doesn't quite come in that form.

I am a burden on my family because of all of my problems so I do think it makes more sense if I do just kill myself, then their lives are easier and sometimes I think they are waiting for me to do it. Those types of thoughts come in the night mostly.

It's mad isn't it how we can all discuss this openly nowadays. But good, as we can all beat it together.
You should post more often mate. You're not on here enough. You are reminding me a lot of me. I had to develop a strategy with my agent for when I'd burned my own work and she was on the phone to me being really angry about it. I'd just tell her that I was working on something else now and of course she'd ask what it was and I'd come up with the most ridiculous thing that I could and that would make her more angry but I'd dig my heels in and defend it and tell her why it was going to work until she stopped being angry with me and just burst out laughing. Once I'd made her laugh I knew that I'd won and she'd give me another month to come up with some proper work.

Don't you dare kill yourself mate. You'll have me and the bumfaced lads to deal with if you even attempt that. And nobody wants that. It is great that blokes are starting to slowly get used to the idea of talking about depression. I still find it difficult a lot of the time though.
 

Scrug

Well-known member
What are group CBD sessions, Scrug?
Sorry I meant CBT, CBD is what I’ve been using lately 😂 It’s Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, they go through your actions to work out when you’re at your worst and try to identify what your safety behaviours are and whether they’re helpful.

I was doing one on one sessions after being referred and they put me in a group of about 8 of us doing the same thing. It helped me no end.
 

Cosmonaut

Well-known member
You should post more often mate. You're not on here enough. You are reminding me a lot of me. I had to develop a strategy with my agent for when I'd burned my own work and she was on the phone to me being really angry about it. I'd just tell her that I was working on something else now and of course she'd ask what it was and I'd come up with the most ridiculous thing that I could and that would make her more angry but I'd dig my heels in and defend it and tell her why it was going to work until she stopped being angry with me and just burst out laughing. Once I'd made her laugh I knew that I'd won and she'd give me another month to come up with some proper work.

Don't you dare kill yourself mate. You'll have me and the bumfaced lads to deal with if you even attempt that. And nobody wants that. It is great that blokes are starting to slowly starting to get used to the idea of talking about depression. I still find it difficult a lot of the time though.
Great post. I remember a while ago saying you were one of my favourite posters 😁 😁

I have been on here on and off, since early February .. sometimes I won't say a thing for weeks ... usually when I am at my absolute lowest, and you know what that is like. I have spent days in bed not being able to move, so overwhelmed by panic and trying to deal with the worst parts of having a major depressive disorder. I had to come out of work in early February (think I mentioned in a post before) as I was on verge of a huge breakdown, which exploded eventually as I lost the place I was living at, but I forced myself to work through it and that was stupid. I decided to take time out and give it up when bosses were calling me in the hospital as I am on a shift, because they were worried I would have trodden off-site and done something stupid. I was only contracting anyway but really enjoyed the role and would still be there now had I not gotten sick.

Stuff like that though has to be one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. Being called by my boss because they didn't trust me once I have wandered out of sight (which I had to do, I was based all over JCUH and had told my boss about my MH issues going on privately) ... I felt humiliated. But I couldn't control it. It was best to leave and not put the team through me turning up like I was... I am allowed to return apparently once I am firing on all cylinders but I have been through so much over the past two months .. I don't know where to start. I am just about to get back on my feet and there's a lot to take care of before I can start to feel organised.

Moving (which I am doing now) is always a fking nightmare experience so have that to look forwards to in a couple of days but not sulking, just saying it could have been better timing! I am the master at that, choosing the worst times for anything, I am an expert in it. Anyone ever want advice on it, give me a PM.

But aye, Bumface bro .. I enjoy your posts too ... I will try to post more often and not go off on random sabbaticals ... but you know where I am if I don't post for a while ... reading 100 books and out over the hills with the hound ;) (y) ❤️
 

bumface

Well-known member
Great post. I remember a while ago saying you were one of my favourite posters 😁 😁

I have been on here on and off, since early February .. sometimes I won't say a thing for weeks ... usually when I am at my absolute lowest, and you know what that is like. I have spent days in bed not being able to move, so overwhelmed by panic and trying to deal with the worst parts of having a major depressive disorder. I had to come out of work in early February (think I mentioned in a post before) as I was on verge of a huge breakdown, which exploded eventually as I lost the place I was living at, but I forced myself to work through it and that was stupid. I decided to take time out and give it up when bosses were calling me in the hospital as I am on a shift, because they were worried I would have trodden off-site and done something stupid. I was only contracting anyway but really enjoyed the role and would still be there now had I not gotten sick.

Stuff like that though has to be one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. Being called by my boss because they didn't trust me once I have wandered out of sight (which I had to do, I was based all over JCUH and had told my boss about my MH issues going on privately) ... I felt humiliated. But I couldn't control it. It was best to leave and not put the team through me turning up like I was... I am allowed to return apparently once I am firing on all cylinders but I have been through so much over the past two months .. I don't know where to start. I am just about to get back on my feet and there's a lot to take care of before I can start to feel organised.

Moving (which I am doing now) is always a fking nightmare experience so have that to look forwards to in a couple of days but not sulking, just saying it could have been better timing! I am the master at that, choosing the worst times for anything, I am an expert in it. Anyone ever want advice on it, give me a PM.

But aye, Bumface bro .. I enjoy your posts too ... I will try to post more often and not go off on random sabbaticals ... but you know where I am if I don't post for a while ... reading 100 books and out over the hills with the hound ;) (y) ❤️
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling a bit mate. It's at a pretty low level with me at the moment. I'm too worried about other people to really worry about myself and start disappearing up my own backside with the whole depression thing. It's what's going to happen when I don't have my parents to look out for any more that worries me. They're both in their mid seventies and won't be around forever and I'm pretty much retired now and I'm single and it's just me and the dog and the fish at my place. The whole suicidal thing will probably all start again if I can't keep myself busy and don't have anyone who needs me anymore.

I help my old assistant out with work stuff sometimes but not so often these days due to a combination of Covid messing up everything and me telling her that she doesn't need my help now and she can do that stuff herself.

I used to move around a lot for work mate. That's why I prefer not to have too much stuff in the house. It makes it easier. The only stuff that I can't manage to keep to a minimum is my books. They're taking over the entire house now. I'm trying to stick to eBooks these days. They take up less space.
 

Aet290204

Well-known member
Just to let you know I wasn’t going to post but I’ve read all your comments as I’ve had another sleepless night.

I really need thicker skin. But someone on here made me feel worthless on Sunday evening when I was already at a low ebb.

Take care. I had CBT a few years ago - utterly useless but the one thing I took from it was that I think about suicide so much I’ve normalised it in my thoughts.
aet - mailed me to tell everyone he is OK and he is very thankful to everyone for their kindness.
He is taking a break from posting for a little while - but just so you don't worry - he has been in touch.
I would say for any of those people that do communicate with him outside of the site please do send him a post - he is very lonely so am sure he would be grateful for the communication.
thank you Rob 👍
 

bumface

Well-known member
Just to let you know I wasn’t going to post but I’ve read all your comments as I’ve had another sleepless night.

I really need thicker skin. But someone on here made me feel worthless on Sunday evening when I was already at a low ebb.

Take care. I had CBT a few years ago - utterly useless but the one thing I took from it was that I think about suicide so much I’ve normalised it in my thoughts.

thank you Rob 👍
A sleepless one for me too mate. You're not alone in that. My insomnia is just something else that I have to put up with. I don't know why you seem to hate me so much. I think we probably have a lot in common. Look after yourself. You're probably not even seeing this because I think you have me on ignore.
 

SuperStu

Well-known member
It is ridiculous that blokes aren't supposed to talk about their mental health problems with other blokes though.

Agree with this. We've got a very weird culture in a lot of ways haven't we.

I've always thought it's very weird that if a bloke reaches an age, say about 50ish, whereabouts they've maybe paid off their mortgage, and their kids might have moved out, but they're still at work... and potentially all that has lined up to allow them probably more financial independence than they've ever had before... if they do something like buy themselves a nice car it gets referred to as a 'mid life crisis'! Very messed up.
 

bumface

Well-known member
Agree with this. We've got a very weird culture in a lot of ways haven't we.

I've always thought it's very weird that if a bloke reaches an age, say about 50ish, whereabouts they've maybe paid off their mortgage, and their kids might have moved out, but they're still at work... and potentially all that has lined up to allow them probably more financial independence than they've ever had before... if they do something like buy themselves a nice car it gets referred to as a 'mid life crisis'! Very messed up.
Absolutely agree with you like I always do. I'm at that age now but it isn't my crisis that I have to handle right now. I'm quite happy being single and losing weight and getting ever so slightly balder by the day and having to disguise that by growing my hair long so no b*gger will. notice. I'm just worried about my parents because my Dad is really losing it. But helping them takes my mind off my own issues. Once they're gone I'm gonna be f*cked. I'll have to start to think about myself again and that's something that never ends well.
 

zzzzz

Well-known member
No. But that's through pure luck and circumstance.

I know several people that took their lives some out of the blue and some had struggled for years.
All of them have been terribly missed.

My dad had 2 attempts and had a massive battle for 40 years with depression despite have a loving family and lots of support.

I just wish you the very best with your struggle, keep talking please. Looking above you are not alone with people in a similar place bearing their souls.

That was the most important thing with my dad... talking about it.. and we didn't do it enough. There is nothing to be ashamed of being ill.
 

BoroFur

Well-known member
I'm so sorry to read of the suffering being experienced by a number of valued people and Boro fans this morning.

I have no specialist words of advice or encouragement other than to just think of the positive times in your lives and the hope that similar better days are just around the corner ❤
 

dan_ashcroft

Well-known member
aet - mailed me to tell everyone he is OK and he is very thankful to everyone for their kindness.
He is taking a break from posting for a little while - but just so you don't worry - he has been in touch.
I would say for any of those people that do communicate with him outside of the site please do send him a post - he is very lonely so am sure he would be grateful for the communication.
Thanks for doing that, aet.

Depression is a terrible affliction and one that is impossible to truly communicate to people that haven't experienced it.

I've recently been through the most traumatic six months that I've ever had to endure. Importantly my mental state has been pretty solid.

I contrast that to a few years back when I shouldn't have had a care in the world but I was at rock-bottom mentally. The depths of depression. It can strike and turn even the brightest and luckiest of lives into a dark experience where there is nothing to live for.

That's depression, and people like aet and bumface that plough on are the toughest people going.
 

Smoggle

Well-known member
Everyone on this thread makes this message board a better place.

To Aet, bumface and several others who share their struggles - I enjoy your posts… sometimes you make me chuckle, sometimes you have me nodding my head in agreement, other times you make me think more deeply about a particular topic. It’s a silent, unrewarded talent you guys have, so thank you, and please stick around cos this place needs you 😊
 

Bristolboro

Active member
last year I went into depression.. the black-eyed dog wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried, and my life on the outside appears very normal and comfortable, full of family and children, job I liked etc..
The depression was linked to other people.. loss of both parents and other relationship issues. The negative thoughts became repetitive and in my head all day long... the black-eyed dog barking away from morning til night. And if I drank more then the dog just seemed to bark louder the next day. I read, I watched tv, I went away, I started writing, worked harder, drank more.. anything to get away from this big black cloud.
The only activity that began to make it tolerable was meditation. I began to experiment with sitting in silence just observing my thoughts, just being aware of them, observing their coming and going, and the sensations that they evoked. I started to do this regularly, first thing in the morning (or sometimes in the middle of the night when I woke up) before the first depressive thoughts could get a hold of me, and then in the evening. I made myself do this. After a couple of weeks I began to realise that I was looking forward to these moments because just by observing my own thoughts and feelings they were beginning to lose their power. I was, for these moments, no longer attached to all the negativities in my mind.. the black dog didn't bother me and stopped barking. He was just making a noise, I didn't have to react.

This meditation (you could call it mindfulness) will not end the cause of the depression but can change your view of it so that it doesn't own you. You can see that the depression is not really you but just a condition of your mind, a habit pattern. You can change that, although I'm not saying it's easy or simple, but it is possible.
I now sit for 40 minutes in the early morning and the same in the evening. Between meditation the dark thoughts do come back, but they tend not to overpower if you just see them for what they are and try not to identify yourself with them. You can try and do this by controlling your train of thought and not allowing the internal monologue of dark thoughts to get a hold of you. Just ask yourself, why am I thinking this? Do I really have to think this? No, you don't.

It's an on-going battle but you can view the depression as something that demands to be attended, wants you to learn something about yourself, and is an opportunity for freedom. It is possible.

My way of dealing it.
 

Scubahood

Well-known member
Yes Aet, frequently. It's f***ing hard work dealing with OCD, anxiety, depression and whatever else on a daily basis and 'living' often just feels so futile as I scrape through another day, knowing the next will only be more of the same. I'm strongly considering going down the psychedelics route at some point.

But please keep posting on here and don't give up the fight mate, there is always help at hand in some form 👍
 

Same_as_before

Well-known member
Yes Aet, frequently. It's f***ing hard work dealing with OCD, anxiety, depression and whatever else on a daily basis and 'living' often just feels so futile as I scrape through another day, knowing the next will only be more of the same. I'm strongly considering going down the psychedelics route at some point.

But please keep posting on here and don't give up the fight mate, there is always help at hand in some form 👍
Haven't seen your weekly list of music recently.


Mine is simple, listening to Goalscroungers 1980's on Spotify.

I hope life is on the up and the Boro smash Cardiff tomorrow.
 
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