Middlesbrough (Town) Lyrics

Hap

Hap

Well-known member
I posted a version of this ages ago and, following a fellow poster's Middlesbrough Peom thread a few days ago, thought I'd go back to it. I think I've got into a form that I can use.

If anyone has any feedback, I'd be glad to hear it as always, Ta!

Heart Rythmn

A box hand-made for tools,
taps, dies and rules,
Rusting slowly, idly by.
Just like the child - just like the child.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


In early drinking halls,
and smoking on the walls.
Ringed eyes and pore-blackened face,
Mill's only trace – mills only trace.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


Rails where nothing rolls,
crossed by roads where no one goes,
Mills and jetties standing alone.
Stone and oak bones – stone and oak bones.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


Stark silhouetted cranes,
sleep as their rusty chains,
swing lazy pendulums in the sky,
Just stretching time – just stretching time.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?
 
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Hap said:
I'm ignoring tonight's football - too tense, even though I know there are plenty more games left after tonight.

I posted a version of this ages ago and, following a fellow poster's Middlesbrough Peom thread a few days ago, thought I'd go back to it. I think I've got into a form that I can use.

If anyone has any feedback, I'd be glad to hear it as always, Ta!

Heart Rythmn

A box hand-made for tools,
taps, dies and rules,
Rusting slowly, idly by.
Just like the child - just like the child.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


In early drinking halls,
and smoking on the walls.
Ringed eyes and pore-blackened face,
Mill's only trace – mills only trace.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


Rails where nothing rolls,
crossed by roads where no one goes,
Mills and jetties standing alone.
Stone and oak bones – stone and oak bones.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


Stark silhouetted cranes,
sleep as their rusty chains,
swing lazy pendulums in the sky,
Just stretching time – just stretching time.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?
Click to expand...
I'm not sure what "idly by" means in the context of that line.

I'd go with "gathers rust from standing idle" and just use "idle" as a close rhyme with "child"

I don't think the second verse works.

What is an early drinking hall and why is there smoking on the wall? If it's describing people out for an early drink then I'd probably make that clearer:

"Early, in the drinking halls
smoke rising, stains the walls"

...or something like that.

"pore-blackened face" doesn't really express anything I'm familiar with either. I think I understand what you're getting at but it would be "blackened-pore" and then the whole meter of the line would need changing - "blackened-pores on ring-eyed face" but ring-eyed now looks strange.

Verse three works well. I'd probably change "standing" to "stand".

Verse four I'd change "sleep" to "sleeping" and "rusty" to "rusted".

I'd also make "in the sky" either "across the sky" or "through the sky" or something else to impart a sense of movement.

Hope that helps and doesn't sound too negative - it's meant to be constructive.

Overall I think it's pretty good and conjures up some clear images.
 
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Scrote said:
I'm not sure what "idly by" means in the context of that line.

I'd go with "gathers rust from standing idle" and just use "idle" as a close rhyme with "child"

I don't think the second verse works.

What is an early drinking hall and why is there smoking on the wall? If it's describing people out for an early drink then I'd probably make that clearer:

"Early, in the drinking halls
smoke rising, stains the walls"

...or something like that.

"pore-blackened face" doesn't really express anything I'm familiar with either. I think I understand what you're getting at but it would be "blackened-pore" and then the whole meter of the line would need changing - "blackened-pores on ring-eyed face" but ring-eyed now looks strange.

Verse three works well. I'd probably change "standing" to "stand".

Verse four I'd change "sleep" to "sleeping" and "rusty" to "rusted".

I'd also make "in the sky" either "across the sky" or "through the sky" or something else to impart a sense of movement.

Hope that helps and doesn't sound too negative - it's meant to be constructive.

Overall I think it's pretty good and conjures up some clear images.
Click to expand...
I appreciate the detailed assessment and suggestions - nothing negative about that at all. Thank you!

Obviously, I know what I'm attempting to evoke, where some imagery isn't clear enough, it needs more clarity. Probably a symptom of it being edited down from what was a much more wordy piece.
 
Scrote said:
I'm not sure what "idly by" means in the context of that line.

I'd go with "gathers rust from standing idle" and just use "idle" as a close rhyme with "child"

I don't think the second verse works.

What is an early drinking hall and why is there smoking on the wall? If it's describing people out for an early drink then I'd probably make that clearer:

"Early, in the drinking halls
smoke rising, stains the walls"

...or something like that.

"pore-blackened face" doesn't really express anything I'm familiar with either. I think I understand what you're getting at but it would be "blackened-pore" and then the whole meter of the line would need changing - "blackened-pores on ring-eyed face" but ring-eyed now looks strange.

Verse three works well. I'd probably change "standing" to "stand".

Verse four I'd change "sleep" to "sleeping" and "rusty" to "rusted".

I'd also make "in the sky" either "across the sky" or "through the sky" or something else to impart a sense of movement.

Hope that helps and doesn't sound too negative - it's meant to be constructive.

Overall I think it's pretty good and conjures up some clear images.
Click to expand...
I've had a look at verse 3 in particular.
What I was trying to conjure was the grey-coloured, densely black-headed, and pocked faces some of the old steelworkers have. I haven't changed some things (like sleep/sleeping) where I think it affects the rhythm.

Again - thanks for looking at it critically.

Good suggestions and comments there. Helpful!


Reworked:

A box hand-made for tools,
taps, dies and rules,
Rusting slowly, watchfully quiet.
Just like the child - just like the child.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


The jobless noisy men
With sunken eyes and soot grained skin
Day drinking their emotions away,
Mill's only trace – mills only trace.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


Rails where nothing rolls,
crossed by roads where no one goes,
Mills and jetties stand alone.
Stone and oak bones – stone and oak bones.

Heart rhythm, I can feel it in my heart rhythm, heart rhythm.

Heart rhythm, can you feel it in your heart rhythm, heart rhythm?


Stark silhouetted cranes,
sleep as their rusty chains,
swing lazy pendulums though the sky,
Just stretching time – just stretching time.
 
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Life and family experience mostly. I think most people write what they know?
There are lots of great writers in our region. I'm a hobbyist tbh
 
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