Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Betty went to the cemetery every day in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Harry.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave!

One day her friend Leila asked, "Beth why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

Betty answered,

“When Harry was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' … I'm not taking any chance !!!"
 
I went to the petrol station to buy lotto tickets for the next big jackpot. As I got out of my car, I noticed two police officers eyeing a customer smoking while filling up with petrol and chatting away on his iPhone. They were having coffee, but their attention was on this guy.

Sure enough, a second later, the guy's arm is on fire. He was running and screaming and waving his arms frantically, very close to other customers also getting gas. The officers jumped into action. One tackled the guy and rolled him around on the ground. The other threw his coffee at the burning arm, and somehow, between the two, they put the fire out.

Jeez, I said to myself, that would have been really bad! But it seems they had it under control, so I went in and got what I needed. On my way out, I saw the guy they rescued in handcuffs sitting in the back of the SUV police car. I'm sure they had him for reckless endangerment for his actions.
Seeing this made me extremely curious, so I asked the officers;
Why are you arresting him? For stupidity?

The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said:
FOR WAVING A FIREARM!
 
A young New York City woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The captain said.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
My daughter just walked into the living room and said : "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, sell my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop."

"Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Sunderland."
 
The police came to the door with a photo and said “is this your wife?”
I said “yeah”
they said “I’m sorry but it appears she’s been hit by a bus”
I said “yeah, but she looks after the kids and keeps the house clean though”
😜😂😂
 
The next time you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books each week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.
 
A blonde is pulled over for speeding and the cop, who is also a blonde, says “Okay, honey, let’s see some ID.” The driver looks flustered and doesn’t seem to know what to do, so the cop snaps “Duh, it’s in your purse and it’s rectangular and it’s got your picture on it!”.

So the driver rummages in her purse and takes out a hand mirror and looks at it, then she hands it over to the cop, who also looks at it for a second, and then stage-whispers “You shoulda said you were a cop too, honey — have a nice day!”.
 
I went to a car boot sale the other day and saw this old tarnished silver teapot and bought it for £20. When I got home I started to clean it up and as I rubbed it, a genie appeared from the spout. He told me that as it was only a silver teapot he could only grant me one wish. I pondered briefly and thought I’d best not be to greedy, so I said I just want to be happy. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I now live in a cottage with 6 dwarves and work down a mine.
 
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