Dad Jokes - all welcome!

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other,

"What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied,

"No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said,

"Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered,

"No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."

The other one said,

"Well, we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
 
I took the dogs worming tablets by mistake last week. I felt ruff afterwards.
Then yesterday I mistakenly took the cats medication. Don't ask meow.
 
It was the postie’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the best seeing to he had ever experienced.

When he was truly spent, they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was finished she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

“He said, ‘f**k him. Give him a fiver.’

"................... but the breakfast was my idea."
 
Lulu asked her mom, "Mommy, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block?"

Her mom replied, "No, because she’s in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu went out to the garage and said, “Dad, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was on the heat and to come ask you."

Her father took a rag, soaked it in
diluted gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent.

“Okay, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only go around the block one time,” said her dad.

Lulu left and returned a a short time later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Daisy?"

Lulu said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
 
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