Cardiffdaffs
Well-known member
It wont last!
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
It wont last!
dooderooni
Well-known member
Got a call from a friend today to tell me his wife had just given birth to twin girls.
"That's nice" I said. "What are you going to call them?"
"One is called Kate" he replied. "The other is called duplicate".
"That's nice" I said. "What are you going to call them?"
"One is called Kate" he replied. "The other is called duplicate".
VladKinder
Well-known member
I saw the lead singer of The Hollies today.
He had just bought a big laser printer from Argos and seemed to be struggling to carry it.
I asked him if he needed help.
He replied "It ain't heavy it's my Brother"
He had just bought a big laser printer from Argos and seemed to be struggling to carry it.
I asked him if he needed help.
He replied "It ain't heavy it's my Brother"
Cardiffdaffs
Well-known member
Just finished reading this book. Disappointed really. There was no mention of his football career at all.
Five surgeons were discussing which were the best patients on which to operate.
The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers... they always understand if you have a few parts left over in the end or if the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation,
“You're all wrong. Tory politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and ass are interchangeable."
The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers... they always understand if you have a few parts left over in the end or if the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation,
“You're all wrong. Tory politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and ass are interchangeable."
Millbrook
Well-known member
A blonde is walking by a high-end shoe store in New Orleans. She is charmed by a beautiful pair of alligator shoes.
She enters the store, gives her size and admires the shoes? “How much are these?”
“$10,000” says the salesman.
The blonde screams “WHAT? How? For $10,000 I could buy a fancy gun and shoot my own alligator!”
The salesman laughs and apologizes but says “I'm sorry miss, but that is what this brand of shoe goes for". She thanks him and leaves the store.
Later that evening the salesman is driving home. Passing a bayou who does he see but the blonde? She's wearing hip boots, is waist deep in the bayou and is aiming a rifle at a huge alligator that is surging right toward her!
He slams on the brakes and runs to the rescue just as BANG! The blonde shoots it dead.
He runs up just as she's pulling the dead gator out of the bayou. He sees the shore already has several dead alligators, all flipped on their backs.
The blonde gives a final heave, flips the new gator on its back and bursts into tears. She turns to the salesman and sobs “Would you believe it? THIS one's not wearing any shoes either!”
She enters the store, gives her size and admires the shoes? “How much are these?”
“$10,000” says the salesman.
The blonde screams “WHAT? How? For $10,000 I could buy a fancy gun and shoot my own alligator!”
The salesman laughs and apologizes but says “I'm sorry miss, but that is what this brand of shoe goes for". She thanks him and leaves the store.
Later that evening the salesman is driving home. Passing a bayou who does he see but the blonde? She's wearing hip boots, is waist deep in the bayou and is aiming a rifle at a huge alligator that is surging right toward her!
He slams on the brakes and runs to the rescue just as BANG! The blonde shoots it dead.
He runs up just as she's pulling the dead gator out of the bayou. He sees the shore already has several dead alligators, all flipped on their backs.
The blonde gives a final heave, flips the new gator on its back and bursts into tears. She turns to the salesman and sobs “Would you believe it? THIS one's not wearing any shoes either!”
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
VladKinder
Well-known member
A plane is flying over the Mediterranean.
The pilot's voice comes on and says, ‘A terrible thing has happened. We’re losing both engines, we’re going to have to land in the Mediterranean.’
And he says, ‘The plane will stay afloat for a very short time, and we’ll be able to open the door just long enough so that everybody can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion’.
He says ‘Everybody who can swim go to the right wing and stand there. And everybody who can’t swim go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing, you’ll find a little island in the direction of the sun. It’s two miles off. And as the plane goes under, just swim over to the island, you’ll be fine.
For those of you on the left wing, I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.”
The pilot's voice comes on and says, ‘A terrible thing has happened. We’re losing both engines, we’re going to have to land in the Mediterranean.’
And he says, ‘The plane will stay afloat for a very short time, and we’ll be able to open the door just long enough so that everybody can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion’.
He says ‘Everybody who can swim go to the right wing and stand there. And everybody who can’t swim go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing, you’ll find a little island in the direction of the sun. It’s two miles off. And as the plane goes under, just swim over to the island, you’ll be fine.
For those of you on the left wing, I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.”
“ The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland
man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.
Tell me! Did you find her?” Cedric Flynn asked.
The Mounties looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jaysus!" exclaimed Flynn. "What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters
you could ever hope to see clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.
Tell me! Did you find her?” Cedric Flynn asked.
The Mounties looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jaysus!" exclaimed Flynn. "What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters
you could ever hope to see clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
VladKinder
Well-known member
A Snail was mugged by 5 slugs.
Upset, he went to the police station to report it.
When the police asked for more details on how it happened the snail replied "I'm really not sure, it all happened so fast".
Upset, he went to the police station to report it.
When the police asked for more details on how it happened the snail replied "I'm really not sure, it all happened so fast".
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
I've finally found the courage to open the first door on my Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.
dooderooni
Well-known member
The wife always complains I don't listen. I asked her to rate me on a scale of one to ten.
Not sure why she told me to urinate on a skeleton.
Not sure why she told me to urinate on a skeleton.
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
A question to all men.
If you had to choose between a wonderfuly beautiful wife or a top of the range expensive car,
What would you choose?
ICE or EV?
If you had to choose between a wonderfuly beautiful wife or a top of the range expensive car,
What would you choose?
ICE or EV?
VladKinder
Well-known member
My OH told me I don't listen to her and I'm sure she said something else.