Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
The inventor of autocorrect died. The funeral will be held tomato.
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
Millbrook
Well-known member
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that. ”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife. “I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. ”What are you doing now?” she asks. “I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
”Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
”No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that. ”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife. “I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. ”What are you doing now?” she asks. “I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
”Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
”No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
The inventor of autocorrect died. May he roast in pi55
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
My Chinese friend says he has opened a crows shop.
I said, "Don't you mean clothes shop?"
He said, "No, come and take a rook!"
I said, "Don't you mean clothes shop?"
He said, "No, come and take a rook!"
Muttley
Well-known member
A guy walked into a bar with an octopus.
The bartender said, "Hey, I run a clean, respectable establishment – You can't bring that in here!"
The owner of the octopus said, "No, wait – this is "Octy" the most amazing octopus in the world, he can play any musical instrument known to man."
"In fact," said the owner, "if you give him a musical instrument he can't play I'll give you £50 if he plays it you give me £10"
So the barman goes out the back and fetches a clarinet The octopus picked it up and played it perfectly and his owner pockets
a tenner.
Next he produced a trombone. The octopus picked it up, again played it perfectly and his owner pocketed another ten.
OK says the barman this is getting a bit rich for me, my last try, and he brought out a set of bagpipes and the octopus seemed tentative and confused, gently feeling the bagpipe all over.
"Hey, hurry up 'Octy' lad, we can win another ten here!” the octopus's owner said.
The octopus looked up and said, "Screw you, mate – as soon as I get her pyjamas off we're out of here!”
The bartender said, "Hey, I run a clean, respectable establishment – You can't bring that in here!"
The owner of the octopus said, "No, wait – this is "Octy" the most amazing octopus in the world, he can play any musical instrument known to man."
"In fact," said the owner, "if you give him a musical instrument he can't play I'll give you £50 if he plays it you give me £10"
So the barman goes out the back and fetches a clarinet The octopus picked it up and played it perfectly and his owner pockets
a tenner.
Next he produced a trombone. The octopus picked it up, again played it perfectly and his owner pocketed another ten.
OK says the barman this is getting a bit rich for me, my last try, and he brought out a set of bagpipes and the octopus seemed tentative and confused, gently feeling the bagpipe all over.
"Hey, hurry up 'Octy' lad, we can win another ten here!” the octopus's owner said.
The octopus looked up and said, "Screw you, mate – as soon as I get her pyjamas off we're out of here!”
Lefty
Well-known member
An old farmhand fell out of the hayloft and broke his leg. When the doctor asked him what happened, he told her the following story:
“They first day I was hired 20 years ago, it was early spring and the farmer let me sleep in the spare room since the night was really cold. In the middle of the night the farmer’s daughter came in and asked me if I needed anything. I told her no and bid her a good night. She asked me if I was sure and again I told her no and again bid her a good night. She pressed herself against me and asked once more if I was sure there wasn’t *something* she could do for me, and I once more assured her I was fine and didn’t need anything and once more bid her a good night, after which she left.”
“What has that got to do with your falling out of the hayloft today?” the doctor asked.
“It just hit me,” the farmhand said, “what she meant.”
“They first day I was hired 20 years ago, it was early spring and the farmer let me sleep in the spare room since the night was really cold. In the middle of the night the farmer’s daughter came in and asked me if I needed anything. I told her no and bid her a good night. She asked me if I was sure and again I told her no and again bid her a good night. She pressed herself against me and asked once more if I was sure there wasn’t *something* she could do for me, and I once more assured her I was fine and didn’t need anything and once more bid her a good night, after which she left.”
“What has that got to do with your falling out of the hayloft today?” the doctor asked.
“It just hit me,” the farmhand said, “what she meant.”
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
I used to live just a stones throw away from a Familly who all died from mystery head injuries.
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
An American goes over to Ireland to visit his ancestral home and whilst there he decides he will have a game of golf but being on his own needs to arrange a partner.
He takes himself so the local golf club, explains he would like to play but he’s got no one to play with. Paddy’s your man explains the secretary and gives the American Paddy’s number.
The American phones Paddy and they arrange to play the next day. Paddy tells him he will be there for a 9 am start but he could be 30 mins late.
Sure enough Paddy turns up on time with a left hand set of golf clubs and proceeds to give the American a lesson at golf, beating him easily.
The American, not happy with getting beat so easily asks Paddy to play him again the next day. Paddy agrees and says he will meet him at 9 am but he could be 30 mins late.
The next day Paddy arrives on time but this time with a right hand set of clubs. Similar to the day before he beats the American but it’s a little closer.
The American, not use to getting beat is determined to get the better of Paddy and challenges him again. Paddy agrees and says he will meet him at 9 am but he could be 30 mins.
The American says every day you have said you might be late and arrived on time but on day one you played with left hand clubs and on the second day you played with right handed clubs, what’s the craic?
Paddy explains, when I wake up if the wife is laid on her left side I play left handed and if she’s laid on her right hand side I play right handed.
The American asks, what if she is laid on her back?
I’m 30 minutes late replied Paddy.
He takes himself so the local golf club, explains he would like to play but he’s got no one to play with. Paddy’s your man explains the secretary and gives the American Paddy’s number.
The American phones Paddy and they arrange to play the next day. Paddy tells him he will be there for a 9 am start but he could be 30 mins late.
Sure enough Paddy turns up on time with a left hand set of golf clubs and proceeds to give the American a lesson at golf, beating him easily.
The American, not happy with getting beat so easily asks Paddy to play him again the next day. Paddy agrees and says he will meet him at 9 am but he could be 30 mins late.
The next day Paddy arrives on time but this time with a right hand set of clubs. Similar to the day before he beats the American but it’s a little closer.
The American, not use to getting beat is determined to get the better of Paddy and challenges him again. Paddy agrees and says he will meet him at 9 am but he could be 30 mins.
The American says every day you have said you might be late and arrived on time but on day one you played with left hand clubs and on the second day you played with right handed clubs, what’s the craic?
Paddy explains, when I wake up if the wife is laid on her left side I play left handed and if she’s laid on her right hand side I play right handed.
The American asks, what if she is laid on her back?
I’m 30 minutes late replied Paddy.
Last edited:
VladKinder
Well-known member
I bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday.
He told me it was the most violent book he's ever read.
He told me it was the most violent book he's ever read.
Millbrook
Well-known member
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Millbrook
Well-known member
A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out. The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.”
His friend says, “you won’t believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too”! Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened.
The rabbi says, “you won’t believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back he told me he converted to Christianity too”!
The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him. The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and don’t know what to do.
God says to them, “you won’t believe this...
His friend says, “you won’t believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too”! Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened.
The rabbi says, “you won’t believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back he told me he converted to Christianity too”!
The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him. The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and don’t know what to do.
God says to them, “you won’t believe this...
Millbrook
Well-known member
The Pope falls desperately ill and is hospitalized. The doctors can’t diagnose the problem, so they call in a world-famous specialist. After a careful examination, the specialist informs the Pope that the physical and mental pressures caused by his lifelong celibacy have finally taken their toll. Unless the Pope has sexual intercourse with a woman in the next few days, he will die.
The Pope is horrified, and makes it clear that he would rather die than betray his vows. But the Cardinals and Nuncios and all the prelates in the Vatican plead with him to reconsider. The Church desperately needs his able leadership, and surely God can forgive any sin. . .
And the Pope finally relents — but he says that he has four conditions before he will consent to the act.
“First,” he says, “the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see who it is that she is having relations with.”
The Cardinals agree. This doesn’t seem too difficult.
“Second,” he says, “she must be deaf — so that even if I should cry out in my passion, she will not be able to recognize my voice.”
The Cardinals agree. It seems reasonable.
“Third,” he says, “she must be mute, so that even if she does discover my identity, she can never tell anyone.”
The Cardinals agree. A sensible precaution!
“And fourth,” says the Pope, “she’s gotta have really big t!ts. . .”
The Pope is horrified, and makes it clear that he would rather die than betray his vows. But the Cardinals and Nuncios and all the prelates in the Vatican plead with him to reconsider. The Church desperately needs his able leadership, and surely God can forgive any sin. . .
And the Pope finally relents — but he says that he has four conditions before he will consent to the act.
“First,” he says, “the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see who it is that she is having relations with.”
The Cardinals agree. This doesn’t seem too difficult.
“Second,” he says, “she must be deaf — so that even if I should cry out in my passion, she will not be able to recognize my voice.”
The Cardinals agree. It seems reasonable.
“Third,” he says, “she must be mute, so that even if she does discover my identity, she can never tell anyone.”
The Cardinals agree. A sensible precaution!
“And fourth,” says the Pope, “she’s gotta have really big t!ts. . .”
Millbrook
Well-known member
Two redneck Trump supporters are driving a big truck. They come to an overpass marked ‘MAX HEIGHT 14’6″’
One turns to the other. “Seth,” he says, “How high is this truck?”
Seth says “You know that, Billy Jim Bob! This truck is sixteen feet tall.”
So then Billy Jim Bob says “And what does that sign say?”
Seth answers him “It says fourteen feet six inches.”
“And how tall is this truck?”
“I told you Sixteen feet!”
Billy Jim Bob looks around carefully. “Well,” he says, “I don’t see a cop in sight. I say we go for it.”
One turns to the other. “Seth,” he says, “How high is this truck?”
Seth says “You know that, Billy Jim Bob! This truck is sixteen feet tall.”
So then Billy Jim Bob says “And what does that sign say?”
Seth answers him “It says fourteen feet six inches.”
“And how tall is this truck?”
“I told you Sixteen feet!”
Billy Jim Bob looks around carefully. “Well,” he says, “I don’t see a cop in sight. I say we go for it.”
SalfordBoro
Well-known member
I thought I heard someone say hello to me in Arabic today, but it turned out to be a false Salaam
dooderooni
Well-known member
What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian?
Arr matey!
Arr matey!
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
This must be the Daddest so far.
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
What is the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?
Two hands on your shoulders!
Two hands on your shoulders!