Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Ok, sorry for this, but it has to be the ‘daddest’ of all dad jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, am Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Columbian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portugese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyztani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukranian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walked into a fine restaurant.

I'm sorry," said the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
 
Newcastle have just found out one of the defenders has an identical twin brother who also plays in defence.

Their new central defensive partnership is Schär & Schär alike.
 
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again,
Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehman Brothers, September 15th, 2008'.
 
Millbrook said:
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again,
Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehman Brothers, September 15th, 2008'.
Click to expand...
I'm on the floor! 🤣😂🤣
 
A couple of gorgeous women moved in next door, and after getting to know them, I discovered they were Lesbians, but being of sound mind this is fine with me, and they appreciated my candour.

Last Christmas they sent me a Rolex wristwatch (they are loaded by the way).

I thanked them profusely but I think they misunderstood my answer to ‘What would you like for Christmas?’

I had said ‘I wanna watch’.
 
Came home last night, and found my wife with two black eyes. " who did that?" I asked.

"The lodger." She replied.

I went up to the lodger's room. "Did you give my wife two black eyes.? "Yes." he replied

"What did you do that for?"

"She was being unfaithful to us!"
 
This one might have been posted before.

Noddy Holder goes to a clothes shop to get a new outfit. He gets a smart pair of flares and a shirt with dagger collars.

The shop owner asks Would you like a Kipper Tie?

Noddy replies, Yes please mate, milk and 2 sugars.
 
Two guys are walking down the road. One says to the other ‘There’s a funny smell here, have you shat your pants?’

‘No way have I shat my pants’ is the response.

‘Come on you have definitely shat yourself’

‘I definitely have not.’

‘Right take your trousers down and let me have a look.’

Trousers come down and underpants are caked with ****.

‘I thought you said you hadn’t shat your pants.’

‘Oh, I thought you meant today.’
 
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