I was told I was kidnapped from the old maternity unit near the park in Middlesbrough In The North Riding of Yorkshire straight after birth by a couple I’d never previously met and held hostage in a Borough called Scar. They were kind though and looked after me, giving me food and water. I went to a school where all the other nasty boys and girls supported a team called Leeds United eveyone was a bully. Dirty Leeds, who were managed by one of my kidnappers cousins husband. He was not liked at all in the basement I called home, never welcome as he was not a nice man. If I even mentioned the name of that club I was tied to a chair and shown a slipper or a belt and thankfully just the site of those vicious weapons was enough to silence me.
When I was around 10 I was tied up and blindfolded and we drove for an hour and a quarter roughly, before the engine fell silent. I was told that what I was about to witness was for my own good. I was gently shoved toward a place called Ayresome Park, great I thought I can play on the swings and roundabouts and have fun like I once experienced many years earlier. At the entrance, I was squeezed through a small red space with my kindnapper as I grew to call him. We walked up some concrete steps and into a throng of people smelling of bovril and pork pies and I was carried to the front wall to see an open space of grass with no swings or anything to have fun with. The park was surrounded on all sides, but I noticed one corner everyone was wearing blue and white whereas all around the rest was a sea of red and white.
I was given a wooden toy to play with that made a loud clicking noise when used and a fancy rosette was pinned to my coat by a man stood next to my kindnapper. 25 men walked out of a tunnel to loud music and clapping, 3 in black, 11 in red and 11 in blue. They were kicking a leather ball around and apparently trying to kick or even stupidly head it into a net. I was told to cheer the red team or else, so I did. The blue team though were triumphant i think and a lanky bloke put the ball in the net with his head.
I grew to look forward to these visits away from the basement and my captivity and as I began cheering and talking about the men in red a lot, my kindnappers began to give me more freedom and one winters day i was given a red and white suit that i could call my own. At that point my conversion to this new cult was born and I was forever indoctrinated into its hypnotic methods. Every Saturday my mood would change and I was more and more addicted to this cult until I was even allowed as an adult to go on my own. I realised resistance was futile as, if I didn’t go through illness, I felt much much worse. I have sought medical and psychiatric assistance from world leading experts, but the diagnosis was that there is no cure and alas never will be, so I am resigned to my fate forever visiting like some fortnightly cruel groundhog day.