Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[HarryVegas]

Have you been hit by a rhythm stick and it wasn't your fault? We're personal Ian Dury lawyers...

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I’ve just found out that they won’t be making 12” rulers any longer...

 

[Jollyroger]

Ancient Abbey
Pile of coke.
Careless Monk
Holy smoke.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

 

[bear66]

Eight things to ponder as 2020 draws to a close.

1. The dumbest thing I bought this year was a 2020 planner

2. 2019 Stay away from negative people. 2020 Stay away from positive people

3. The world has turned upside down. Old people are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.

4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came to my house and told the dog.....we had a good laugh

5. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

6. I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a 6-foot barge pole” would become a national policy but here we are!

7. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the garden.
I am tired of the living room

8. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank clerk with a mask on and ask for money.

 

[Wilf]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?




Deep pan, crisp and even

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I was thrown out of the chemists today.
All I said to the lady pharmacist was "do you take it up the @r$e or swallow"
She went mental and ordered me to leave

I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do with these suppositories.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I was trying to create a piece of art using two pairs of parallel lines but I just made a hash of it...

 

[Foggysfplandiet3]

I was thrown out of the chemists today.
All I said to the lady pharmacist was "do you take it up the @r$e or swallow"
She went mental and ordered me to leave

I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do with these suppositories.

Excellent!!

 

[Carlos Fandango]

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it's on the house!

 

[FatCat]

What size Turkey will I need for 12 people plus possibly two police officers?

 

[Carlos Fandango]

My New Years resolution is to stop using spray deodorants...

Roll on 2021.

 

[bungydinsdale]

My best mate tells the best dad jokes EVER!, but he doesn't have any kids.
He's a faux pa

 

[FatCat]

Boris Johnson has just made a statement explaining that until the vaccine is rolled out we are still relying on the same set of tools to fight covid. A rather harsh but fair description of his cabinet some might say.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas...

It's rubbish...

Everything is either underground or overground!

 

[Laughing]

My last girlfriend worked at a zoo she came home one day with a suspicious stain on her top. When I asked her about it she went apeshit.

So we split up. My new girlfriend is an epileptic, talk about fit.

 

[bear66]

First trip for 2021 planned!

Iceland in February.

If that goes well, Asda in March and Aldi in April.

 

[festa5]

Don't trust these personal injury lawyers. When my neighbour's 15 year old daughter hurt herself climbing over our fence they told me to take a photo of her gash.

guess who's in court tomorrow.

 

[Laughing]

Don't trust these personal injury lawyers. When my neighbour's 15 year old daughter hurt herself climbing over our fence they told me to take a photo of her gash.

guess who's in court tomorrow.

best one for a while

 

[festa5]

If they want to speed up the vaccination roll out they should just get Amazon drivers to do it as part of their deliveries. They'd have the whole population vaccinated by monday. Or saturday if they have prime.