Dad Jokes - all welcome!


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** Beware **
I ordered Chinese last night locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving at the time so I pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!


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Yesterday a theoretical physicist fell down the hole at the centre of a toroidal universe.

His colleagues are now trying to calculate if this was possible.


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Reminds me of a true story. Aldeburgh Lifeboat was called out to a yacht which had lost its mast but they were having trouble trying to find it on the radar so they called up the casualty on the VHF and asked him to give his position. He replied,

“My position? Yes of course. Well, actually I’m the Managing Director of a small software company in the Thames Valley......”


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Not a dad joke but a true story which SalfordBoro's joke reminded me off. My wife downloaded an app last night that looked at your picture and guessed your age. On my picture it couldn't guess my age, but said I exceeded (exceeded) 69% attractiveness. When my wife tried it just crashed!


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Mark Knopfler from Dire Straits walked into his house with a parcel from the local Fish and chip shop and an impressionist painting in an ornate gold frame.
His wife began shouting at him for spending their savings all the time.
Mark said don't worry darling . I got the Monet for nothing and the chips are free.


Active member
For Christmas I bought my wife some new beads for her abacus - it's the little things that count

I ahd to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn - he just didn't cut it