Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Londons_Moggie]

Why did the non binary prospector move west in 1849? Because there was gold in them / their hills

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines...

Prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

My neighbour was banging on my wall at 4.30 am last night. Unbelievable. Luckily I was up playing music.

He shouted "Can we have a little respect please"
I shouted back "well I'm not a big Erasure fan but here, this ones for you"

 

[Carlos Fandango]

Yesterday, the wife swore she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She disinfected everything and thoroughly cleaned the whole area.

Today, before going to work, I've put the cockroach in the bathroom!

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had a book on turtles.
"Hardback?” asked the librarian
"Yes" I said "and little heads"

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I went to a ventriloquist’s funeral the other day and they sang his favourite hymn......
“All Things Gright And Geautikal".

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

The doctor told me I had low blood pressure.

So he gave me a prescription for 2 Ikea self assemble wardrobes.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

Th woman next door has been fined £10,000 for hosting illegal Botox parties in her home during lockdown...
None of her clients looked surprised!

 

[Norfolkred1]

 

[Abel Tasman]

My grief counsellor died the other day. She was so good at her job I really couldn’t give a hoot.

 

[The_Unicorn]

Told my suitcases there would be no international travel for them this year, now dealing with emotional baggage

 

[bear66]

 

[Norfolkred1]

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.

No one knows are they never get the house.

 

[FatCat]

Went to my local the other day dressed as a tennis ball.

got served straight away!

 

[ChrisTheRed]

Why did adèle cross the road?




To say hello from the otherside

 

[Carlos Fandango]

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.

No one knows are they never get the house.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I went to the chemist to get some Viagra
He asked if I had a prescription
I said "No, but I've got a picture of my wife"

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I've got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if anyone wants a quick gander.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

Unbelievable, I've just Had a warning from FMTTM Admin about writing Ibuprofen in reply to peoples posts.

They said I was making Anti-Inflammatory Comments

 

[sambaDTR]

That’s a coincidence, the Admin rang me today as well. I was cooking some stew at the time and they accused me of stirring it up.