Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Carlos Fandango]

Deaf sheepdogs.

They're hard to come by...

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I got bored and changed all the wrappers around on the leftover sweets in a box of Celebrations.
The wife's not happy, really got her Snickers in a Twix

 

[Norfolkred1]

My Mam asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party...and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

 

[FatCat]

See above

Haha sorry dude , I didn’t see that

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

Just been to the doctors, he thinks I'm paranoid.
He didn't actually say that but I know what the fcuker was thinking.

 

[r00fie1]

How do you know when someone is a vegan?
Because they tell you...
again,
and again
and again......

 

[SNICKERED]

Apparently there won’t be enough Covid-19 immunisations to meet demand. The public are understandably up in arms.

Pfizer chiefs say they predict a riot.

 

[r00fie1]

I have a friend who is a fighter pilot, but because of the lockdown he’s off work. I asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he’s at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.

I must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships...

I took gold, silver and bronze.

 

[sambaDTR]

“Where are we going son”?

“I’m taking you to get the AstraZenica Dad”.

“I’m not having one of them. There’s nowt wrong with me Moggy 1000”.

 

[SalfordBoro]

The other day my car sat nav asked me to turn around when possible, I did that and then I couldn't see where I was going.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I sold my homing pigeon on eBay today ................... for the 22nd time.

 

[FatCat]

A guy takes two stuffed dogs to the antiques roadshow.

ooh said the presenter , these are very rare, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition.

“sticks and possibly balls” the man replied.

 

[Lefty]

All these so called 'Super Villain' enemies of Spider Man and none of them thought to put him in a bath tub???

 

[Lefty]

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”

“Is that an allergy?”

“No, it's a simile”

 

[Lefty]

Impeachment 2.0

Unpresidented

 

[Lefty]

One of the confusing things for Republicans in Congress is that when asked what colour he is, Donald said 'I'm peach'.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I have CDO.
It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order.

Like they're supposed to be!!

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

A couple of thai girls asked me if i wanted to have sex with them. “It will be like winning the lottery” they said ..............

they weren't wrong, we had six matching balls.

 

[swordtrombonefish]

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me.

Until I rode pasta