Dad Jokes - all welcome!

sambaDTR

Well-known member
A few more of Les...

“ I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it”.

“Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off”.

“I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't”.
 

samizdat

Member
During COVID it is very iportant to maintain physical fitness, so I thought I’d share one of my exercise regimes with you, this one being for arm strength:



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.



After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. When you’ve mastered that try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level). After you feel confident at this level, put one potato in each bag.



J
 

Corco65

Well-known member
Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just got it home placed it on the kitchen worktop and as I was getting plates, I heard the bags rustling and moving!?!!! I thought what the heck is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was so scared as the bag was moving around I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor broom in one hand and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
 

Norfolkred1

Well-known member
I was ogling the young vixen next door who was sunbathing topless from our bedroom window. Getting slightly aroused I took the task in hand. Then out of the corner of my I saw the wife starring at me, 'do you think my wife is some sort of perv'.
 

Estonboy

Active member
Paddy has a load of trees to chop down so he invests in a chainsaw.
Uses it for a while, but he's not at all happy with it and decides to take it back to the store.
He says to the storekeeper 'I'm not happy at all with this saw, you said I can cut 40 trees a day with and I'm only managing about 20!'
Storekeeper says 'Give it here' - he takes it off Paddy and pulls the cord and it starts Brrrrrrrrrrrmmm.
Paddy says 'What's that noise?' :rolleyes:
 

Carlos Fandango

Well-known member
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform
sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing
seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws
a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing
blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it
once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want
to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex
and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will
then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another
year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly
he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man
promised.

His wife turns over and asks......


"What did you say '123' for?"
 

Carlos Fandango

Well-known member
WOMAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 February

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else....


MAN"S DIARY - Saturday 27 February

Boro lost again, gutted.

Got a shag though.
 

Carlos Fandango

Well-known member
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, About 2
hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.

Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't
ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
 
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