dooderooni
Well-known member
I'm going on Dragons Den with my latest invention, a laxative version of alphabet soup. It's called Letter Rip.
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
I was asked today what I spent on a bottle of wine. Apparently ‘about half an hour’ isn’t the right answer 
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
Selling my old camouflage gear if anyone is interested.
Serious offers only please.
Serious offers only please.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Who picks up guide dog poo 
Millbrook
Well-known member
A very rich man was on his death bed and called together his three trusted advisors, his priest, his doctor, and his attorney.
He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral.
After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made.
The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.”
The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children's hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.”
The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”
He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral.
After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made.
The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.”
The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children's hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.”
The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”
Millbrook
Well-known member
Traffic’s backed up for miles. A cop approaches, going from car to car.
When he reaches your car he says, ‘Sorry, but terrorists have captured Donald Trump up ahead, and are holding him for ransom. If they don’t get ten million dollars, they’re gonna pour gas on him and torch him. I’m taking up a collection.’
You ask ‘‘How much are people giving?’ He replies ‘About a half-gallon each.’
When he reaches your car he says, ‘Sorry, but terrorists have captured Donald Trump up ahead, and are holding him for ransom. If they don’t get ten million dollars, they’re gonna pour gas on him and torch him. I’m taking up a collection.’
You ask ‘‘How much are people giving?’ He replies ‘About a half-gallon each.’
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
At the 2023 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Scotland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Scotland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Millbrook
Well-known member
A guy boards a plane and settles in. To his surprise when the seat next to him gets occupied, it’s the Pope.
With no particular conversation going on, His Eminents or whatever he’s called, begins doing a crossword puzzle. After a few minutes the Pope nudges the guy and says, “excuse me, do you know a four-letter word for “woman”, ending in “NT”?
The guy thinks, oh no, I can’t say that to the Pope… wracks his brain, and then figures it out.
“Yes I do Your Excellency. The word you’re looking for is “Aunt”.
The Pope slaps his head. “Of course, thank you. Do you have an eraser?”
With no particular conversation going on, His Eminents or whatever he’s called, begins doing a crossword puzzle. After a few minutes the Pope nudges the guy and says, “excuse me, do you know a four-letter word for “woman”, ending in “NT”?
The guy thinks, oh no, I can’t say that to the Pope… wracks his brain, and then figures it out.
“Yes I do Your Excellency. The word you’re looking for is “Aunt”.
The Pope slaps his head. “Of course, thank you. Do you have an eraser?”
festa5
Well-known member
festa5
Well-known member
The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can.
Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster.
Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly.
The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.
"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands."This is the chief, what's the problem?""Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do"
"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief."Bigger than that" says the officer.
"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief."Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.
"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?""Bigger" says the officer.
"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.
"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but I know he must be important, his driver is the Pope!"
Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster.
Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly.
The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.
"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands."This is the chief, what's the problem?""Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do"
"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief."Bigger than that" says the officer.
"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief."Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.
"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?""Bigger" says the officer.
"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.
"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but I know he must be important, his driver is the Pope!"
Unravel_Morrison
Well-known member
I am trying to contact Martin Sheen's son.
Does anyone have his Emailio Addresstevez?
Does anyone have his Emailio Addresstevez?
dooderooni
Well-known member
NASA have just announced a new mission to say sorry to the aliens for littering in space.
It's called Apollo G.
At church yesterday I drank holy water that'd been laced with laxatives.
This morning I started a religious movement.
A perfectionist walks into a bar, looks around then walks out.
The bar wasn't set high enough.
It's called Apollo G.
At church yesterday I drank holy water that'd been laced with laxatives.
This morning I started a religious movement.
A perfectionist walks into a bar, looks around then walks out.
The bar wasn't set high enough.
BillyBoyStu
Well-known member
Bint?
A woman was sitting on a bus when this guy got on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to her.
The woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
He noticed her looking and eventually said, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him for a long time and eventually she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
The woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
He noticed her looking and eventually said, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him for a long time and eventually she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
dooderooni
Well-known member
It's been a real Black Friday for me as I've just lost my job at the bank.
A woman walked in and asked me to check her balance. Apparently I'm not allowed to push a customer over.
A woman walked in and asked me to check her balance. Apparently I'm not allowed to push a customer over.
Corco65
Well-known member
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
The only way to pull off a weekend afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are fighting again.'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him.'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mam and Dad jumped out of bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'
He replied 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are fighting again.'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him.'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mam and Dad jumped out of bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'
He replied 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'
VladKinder
Well-known member
Peppery_John
Active member
There's a special gift offer on at Boots. Tampax with bells on, just to cover the Christmas period though.